[He'd listen to her finish her story, listen to her as she'd break down a little at the mention of someone special who had sacrificed themselves for her.. he knew that feeling well.
He'd lean over and kiss her cheek, a sign of comfort, of connection, to show her she wasn't alone, even if she felt it so deep in her bones it ached. And then he'd rummage through the pockets of his pants and pull out a napkin for her. He had often cleaned up blood too, just -- for a different reason.
He'd hand her the napkin and then cough too, tho his was much less severe then hers. He sounded congested but otherwise seemed okay.]
I'm sorry about that person... someone dear to me.. actually, the person dearest to me, sacrificed himself too, for my sake. After I, you know, stabbed him.
[He'd pause, threading his fingers and glancing out across the stream again.]
My story's way less traumatizing than yours, and I guess.. you could say I'm the villain in it.
I grew up in Tokyo. If you don't know, it's a big fucking city with a shit ton of neighborhoods filled with adults who don't give a shit about you and a lot of kids who don't either. Most people are cold. My dad was cold, when he'd beat me and my mom up; he'd like to remind me that I was a disappointment. It went on for years. Finally my mom divorced him, and she made me promise that I was on her side and that she was right and that I'd never leave her. But I mean, heh, she was just as crazy as him, just in a different way... They were both crazy and look! Wooo! [He'd wave his hands jazz like in mock joy] They made a crazy kid!
[He'd set his hands down with a soft smile..] She never paid any attention to me, barely was home. But she gave me money that my friends would use me for. On my 11th birthday, they showed their true colors as users and losers, but that's the day I met my true friend.. and the guy I eventually fell in love with. Baji.
We grew close. He introduced me to all his friends, and he even started a gang with them, and with me, to protect me from another gang that had been bullying me.
[His eyes would close briefly and then reopen, glazed as he'd transport himself to another time.] For a few years, I was really happy. I had my friends, real friends, and I had a purpose.
.... but I fucked it up. [A soft shrug] The night before a friends, Mikeys, birthday, I made Baji break into a bike shop with me so we could steal his favorite bike as a present. The owner saw Baji's face, so, without thinking I-- killed the guy. [He'd blink slowly] Hit him over the head too hard and down he went.
He was Mikey's brother, turns out.. we didn't know.
And I-- [Lifting his face up and laughing a little, sadly, before shaking his head.]-- I lost it. I just-- lost my mind. I couldn't handle the blame. I couldn't handle what I'd done. I didn't understand how I'd even done it or why it had happened. I funneled all of my trauma into a single thought -- that if I killed my friend, if I killed Mikey, I would be absolved. Why I thought that-? I couldn't say..
I spent two years in jail. They were awful years, and I hated every minute. Baji wrote me letters, every day. They were my only solace. He sucked at writing, but he did it anyway. I thought of him as my savior, my only friend. I loved him dearly.
..when I got out of jail, I still wanted to kill Mikey. Baji left Toman, the gang we'd been a part of and the gang Mikey was the head of, to join me.
... but-- [His fingers would tremble and he'd chuckle] He hadn't actually joined with me. In the middle of this massive fight where I was gonna kill Mikey, I found out that Baji had betrayed me.. He had never had any intention of helping me kill Mikey. He never thought Mikey was wrong. He had never agreed with me.
He had lied to me.
So I stabbed him. To kill him. The only person I'd ever loved, the only person that ever meant a damn to me, and the only person that ever seemed to care about me..
[Fiddling with his fingers, picking at his nails as his eyes would lid.] I fell into despair, thinking I'd killed him. Mikey went to kill me and I was happy to just let it happen, after that..
But then Baji stood up, made a show of showing he was fine-- and then stabbed himself. Killed himself, so I wouldn't blame myself for his death. So Mikey wouldn't kill me.
... [He'd sigh and look over at her with a soft smile.] Sorry, that was a long story, huh. I gave myself up to the police and have been trying to be a better person. I realized he had loved me back, and I had been an idiot all that time. He wanted me to heal, he'd killed himself so I could go on, so.. I'm trying. I'm trying to be better. For Baji's sake..
Saaaaaaaaammee - also I am very sorry for also a long tag xD;;
He'd lean over and kiss her cheek, a sign of comfort, of connection, to show her she wasn't alone, even if she felt it so deep in her bones it ached. And then he'd rummage through the pockets of his pants and pull out a napkin for her. He had often cleaned up blood too, just -- for a different reason.
He'd hand her the napkin and then cough too, tho his was much less severe then hers. He sounded congested but otherwise seemed okay.]
I'm sorry about that person... someone dear to me.. actually, the person dearest to me, sacrificed himself too, for my sake. After I, you know, stabbed him.
[He'd pause, threading his fingers and glancing out across the stream again.]
My story's way less traumatizing than yours, and I guess.. you could say I'm the villain in it.
I grew up in Tokyo. If you don't know, it's a big fucking city with a shit ton of neighborhoods filled with adults who don't give a shit about you and a lot of kids who don't either. Most people are cold. My dad was cold, when he'd beat me and my mom up; he'd like to remind me that I was a disappointment. It went on for years. Finally my mom divorced him, and she made me promise that I was on her side and that she was right and that I'd never leave her. But I mean, heh, she was just as crazy as him, just in a different way... They were both crazy and look! Wooo! [He'd wave his hands jazz like in mock joy] They made a crazy kid!
[He'd set his hands down with a soft smile..]
She never paid any attention to me, barely was home. But she gave me money that my friends would use me for. On my 11th birthday, they showed their true colors as users and losers, but that's the day I met my true friend.. and the guy I eventually fell in love with. Baji.
We grew close. He introduced me to all his friends, and he even started a gang with them, and with me, to protect me from another gang that had been bullying me.
[His eyes would close briefly and then reopen, glazed as he'd transport himself to another time.]
For a few years, I was really happy. I had my friends, real friends, and I had a purpose.
.... but I fucked it up. [A soft shrug] The night before a friends, Mikeys, birthday, I made Baji break into a bike shop with me so we could steal his favorite bike as a present. The owner saw Baji's face, so, without thinking I-- killed the guy. [He'd blink slowly] Hit him over the head too hard and down he went.
He was Mikey's brother, turns out.. we didn't know.
And I-- [Lifting his face up and laughing a little, sadly, before shaking his head.]-- I lost it. I just-- lost my mind. I couldn't handle the blame. I couldn't handle what I'd done. I didn't understand how I'd even done it or why it had happened. I funneled all of my trauma into a single thought -- that if I killed my friend, if I killed Mikey, I would be absolved. Why I thought that-? I couldn't say..
I spent two years in jail. They were awful years, and I hated every minute. Baji wrote me letters, every day. They were my only solace. He sucked at writing, but he did it anyway. I thought of him as my savior, my only friend. I loved him dearly.
..when I got out of jail, I still wanted to kill Mikey. Baji left Toman, the gang we'd been a part of and the gang Mikey was the head of, to join me.
... but-- [His fingers would tremble and he'd chuckle] He hadn't actually joined with me. In the middle of this massive fight where I was gonna kill Mikey, I found out that Baji had betrayed me.. He had never had any intention of helping me kill Mikey. He never thought Mikey was wrong. He had never agreed with me.
He had lied to me.
So I stabbed him. To kill him. The only person I'd ever loved, the only person that ever meant a damn to me, and the only person that ever seemed to care about me..
[Fiddling with his fingers, picking at his nails as his eyes would lid.]
I fell into despair, thinking I'd killed him. Mikey went to kill me and I was happy to just let it happen, after that..
But then Baji stood up, made a show of showing he was fine-- and then stabbed himself. Killed himself, so I wouldn't blame myself for his death. So Mikey wouldn't kill me.
... [He'd sigh and look over at her with a soft smile.]
Sorry, that was a long story, huh. I gave myself up to the police and have been trying to be a better person. I realized he had loved me back, and I had been an idiot all that time. He wanted me to heal, he'd killed himself so I could go on, so.. I'm trying. I'm trying to be better. For Baji's sake..