logs | (catch-all/open) hold up, i'm invincible

[How long has it been since he's arrived at this place? Time is meaningless, and, well, was that really any different in prison? At least in prison there was structure, there was discipline, there were all the elements he needed to try and start to piece his psyche back together.

While he had been wandering, he found himself following a group. At first, it wasn't for any particular reason. There was just nothing to do, and why not explore this land. Clearly he'd had enough of life and had done himself in, so was there really meaning to anything? The endless steps, over and over and over again, were cathartic.

He missed his therapist.

But it wasn't just for the walk or the group, there was something about someone-- he'd caught a glimpse of their expression; large, haunted eyes that were so intensely recognizable, but there was nothing else about the thin man or his white hair or his odd tattoo that Kazutora recognized. And yet... he reminded him so much of someone.

Of Shinichiro. And well.. if he had killed himself and woken up in the land of the dead, it would make sense that the person he killed would also be here.

And he wanted to apologize..

So when the group began to disperse, and he saw the man go to sit on his own, Kazutora would approach cautiously... and would go to sit down beside him.

Only to hear the man snoring.

He was asleep...?

Carefully, softly, Kazutora would reach a hand out and tuck strands of white hair away from the man's face, to really look at him. He seemed more and more familiar to him, and he felt suddenly intensely about this guy-- a spark of hatred? Of relief and love?

And then it would hit him, like a bat to the head (one of his old time favorite moves), like a splash of cold water, like everything he knew had been expanded and then compressed and then thrown in his face.]

Mi..key...?

(the tucking and touch isn't what wakes mikey up from his impromptu nap, but the voice. his eyes open with sharpness, emptiness staring right at the boy, and before mikey could really stop himself, it's a hand that curls around kazutora's shirt, almost reflex to being awaken knowing he's in a vulnerable spot.

a cornered animal, if one cared to look at it. and speaking of looking, that's what he's doing once he's more awake, scanning kazutora's face for a little while before he lets go, hard, so that the other keeps a distance when he pushes him back.

self-isolating isn't great, hibiki said it herself, but he'd rather be screwed up alone than to drag everyone along with him.

but also, what the fuck?)

... You didn't die. You weren't supposed to be here.

[His heart would race at the contact, the mild push, the deadness in Mikey's eyes, so alike that time he'd nearly killed Kazutora.

Empty.

But he was different, still. Lost, not in direction, but in self preservation. Kazutora recognized it right away. Mikey was alive but wasn't living; did he have a goal? Did he have desires? What had pushed him to become this ghost like visage before him?

It couldn't have been what Kazutora had done, right...? Killed Baji? He had been prepared to commit suicide over it, decided that was the only thing that could be done, and yet.. Mikey had forgiven him. Draken had said so.

But had he really not meant it?

There would be that whisper of a voice in his mind, the ever present Shadow he'd come to accept upon entering Stygia. Agreeing with him, agreeing that Mikey of course hadn't meant it, because who would ever forgive the nasty shithead Kazutora was..

He would stagger back a little from the push, eyes overwide, fingers trembling. He'd swallow, and then he'd laugh breathlessly, warmly. It was surprising even to him, but-- he was glad to see Mikey. So glad he'd found him.]

So it is you. Mikey..

[He'd take a step forward.]

I dunno, I must've given in, must've killed myself after all. But you..? You look different.

You didn't. You and Chifuyu have a petshop. You've been out of jail for a while now. Of course I look different, I'm nearly thirty, and so were you, last I had you checked.

(he promised he'd protect them. that means a multitude of things - from himself, all the way to other gang rats that catch a grudge or a hold of their past. a customer or two from each of the manji isn't real, they're plants, so that they can keep a closer eye, as mikey cannot come forward. both busy, and quite frankly, too terrified.

this kazutora... he hasn't seen, truthfully. he supposes it's just another parenthesis in the timelines, like he was. like the one mikey that murdered all was. too young, too naive, still maturing.

why did they all have to come as fucking teens.)

You wouldn't kill yourself, anyway. You promised.

[There'd be a long pause, in which Kazutora would sort of absorb the information he was given, processing, processing..]

You're THIRTY??

[Because, yes, he looked older, but not by that much. This guy was nearly twice his age!]

... Twenty-eight.

(well, some of us never grew taller, and if it weren't for the depression and subsequent consequence of his actions, he'd still have the same baby face.)

[He'd walk completely up to him, then, standing face to face, and put a hand aligned with the top of his own head, over Mikey's.]

You're still short. [He'd smirk warmly.] And you're so old.
And what's with the style? The white hair makes you look like a ghost.

Last I saw, you were old too, asshole.

(and god help him. his hand curls around the one comparing heights, grip trembling.)

I deserted all of you. We're not friends. Go, shoo.

[He'd tilt his head to the side, gripping Mikey's hand back, looking amused before his expression would soften.]

We haven't been friends in a long time, even from where I stand. And anyway-- [He'd shrug, looking to the side, taking in the bleak environment.] --where would I go? [He'd glance back at him.]

You deserted everyone... why?

... That's debatable. And the second bit is none of your business.

(fuck, kazutora has a point. if he hasn't mentioned baji, nor takemitchy, that means - he truly is alone for now. he'll die, if mikey leaves him. so, instead of dropping the wrist, he'll pull. keep up, 'tora.)

Come on. We'll get the star, get rich, and then we'll separate and you'll never see me again.

(he wishes.)

[He'd blink and he'd follow at a clip, letting Mikey lead him. It was odd.. it was Mikey, sure, but a Mikey from so in the future (for a 15 year old, he's practically ancient) that Kazutora could separate him from the guy he'd spent two years hating.. and now actively working towards being better for...

But at the same time.. Mikey and Baji were the people he wanted to be better for, and Baji.. well.. he was dead. Mikey was left, and yet-- if this was the Mikey from the future, then Kazutora's push to be better hadn't made any difference in the long run. Something bad at happened to Mikey, and he wanted to know what.

He wanted to know if it had been him. His fault.]

The star? You wanna kidnap a celebrity? I mean.. I guess ransom can get you good money..

No, it's a literal star. Good money for it, too. Ransom doesn't get you that much good buck, hired murder does.

(just a little parenthesis, and that should already tell kazutora what kind of person mikey's become. it wasn't him. from the number of people in his life, he's known for a while that kazutora still ever so often asked around.)

[He'd quiet down at that unsettling statement, listening to the crunch of fallen leaves beneath their feet as they walked. Mikey... he'd always upheld such pure ideologies; a new age of delinquents, one that protected them as friends. All the shit that dragged delinquents down, that made people nasty, that led them to a full life of crime - none of that was Mikey. Kazutora always felt at home in those circles after he'd killed Shinichiro, because that's what you did when you became a murderer--

o h.]

Hired murder..? You sound like a proper mob boss, Mikey~

[He'd chuckle uncomfortably as the pieces of this future puzzle started to click together.]

And what the Hell do I look like? A mechanic?

(he could, if mechanics looked half as depressed, and as if a ton of trauma, stress, and substance abuse hit him in the face. this is probably not the best thing for kazutora to see and hear, and he knows that. the one he knows has reformed down to the very bone, careful, mindful, with his head above the ground.

this one... is probably on the way to that.)

Nah, you look like a ghost, old man. All white. But...

[And here he'd poke the back of his neck, his tattoo]

I like your ink.. .. I suppose you're not gonna tell me what it means, huh..?

[It was hard, honestly, to know that Mikey had spiraled into such darkness. He.. didn't want that for him. He didn't want that for anyone. But especially for Mikey, someone who still, after everything Kazutora had done, had chosen to forgive him, to make him feel accepted. It was Mikey's words, through Draken, that gave Kazutora the strength to push forward, to start on the path towards being good. Good, like Mikey..

He wanted desperately to know what had happened. Why he had chosen this path. What he could do to curb it.

He'd do anything, really, to make up for what he'd done..

Anything.

.... also he really wanted to know about his job at a pet shop-?? With Chifuyu??? ... He must be high all the time in the future.

The thought would make him snort.]

... Someone I cared about wore this symbol. I'm honoring them.

(and that's as far as he's going. and well, it seems like they're not going to get anywhere so quickly, and while it seems like forever and no second has passed, mikey remains tired. that nap did nothing for him. they should camp.)

Come on, we're taking turns, we should rest. This place is absurd. I sleep less, you keep watch when I'm sleeping. Do not go off on your own, or take on anything on your own.

(like he has any sort of authority over kazutora, but alas. he's older. maybe that does the trick.)

[Kazutora would glance around their surroundings as Mikey would settle in for the night. If it was indeed night; this place had an air of never-ending twilight, bleak light that filtered through the dense canopy of leaves and left splatters on the ground.

This forest, the name of which he didn't even know, felt both suffocating and peaceful at the same time. He couldn't imagine traveling here alone. But with Mikey..

He'd glance at the man as they'd settle in against a wide, smooth tree trunk. He had last felt grateful towards Mikey; all the things he'd done to him, and Mikey had still chosen to forgive him, and he'd never forget that. But in this place, he heard whispers, he felt twitches of discomfort, of displeasure.

He'd shake his head to try and brush away the cobwebs of old hatred and jealousy and turn to Mikey with a half smile.]

Yeah, I'll watch over you, boss, so get some rest. Dunno what I'd do in this creepy place alone anyway..

[He'd shudder for good measure and let a moment of silence pass between them. Not sure if Mikey was still awake or not, he'd ask, quietly--]

What happened, Mikey..? All this criminal shit.. it's not like you..

(from his pockets, there are some candy in wrappers. he'll throw one towards kazutora, just to keep the hunger at bay, before his thin fingers busied themselves with opening his. it's like he's stalling to answer, while pretending with conviction he just wants to get this one thing down first. the candy sits on his tongue, and he lets out a small sound of pleasure over the sugar rush.

some things don't change, at the end of the day. he might be older, depressed, exhausted, but some things? some things remain as they do. ever so often, there's a glimpse of mikey as he was, a little shit, prankful, playful, but those moments are as rare as they could ever be.

he's just the way he is.)

Too many things. It happens, the same it has to you. After we get the star, I'm putting you in touch with Takemitchy. He'll take care of you. I can't do that this time. I've heard what you can become, and being around me is not going to do your recovery any favors. Stick with him, and you'll be fine.

[He'd take the candy with a nod of thanks, twisting it between his fingers and watching Mikey. When Mikey would giggle at the sugar rush, Tora would smile softly. There he was, the Mikey he once knew... .. the Mikey he knew before he'd fucked up his life and killed his brother, that is.

He'd listen to Mikey, eyes narrowing, softening.

He's like this because of you. It's your fault, Kazutora. Your fault that Mikey's a mess. Your fault. YOUR FAULT.

... He'd bite his lip and shake his head.]

Too many things... [He'd repeat, quietly.] Yeah, I get it. .. I really get it.

He'd pop the candy in his mouth. So Takemichi was here, too. Fuck.. how many of them had keeled over over the years? Takemichi had been such a stupidly sweet guy, too...

But I don't wanna leave you, Mikey. I'm on the path of recovery because of you. Your forgiveness. Your heart.. .. and Baji's.. If you hadn't forgiven me, I would've killed myself for sure.

[He'd look around with a chuckle.]

Well maybe I did, anyway, given where we are.

[He'd shrug.] Anyway, I know that whoever you are is the person I want to be next to. I owe everything to you, so I won't go.

[He'd glance over at him, eyes bright and wet.]

.... Is Baji here...?

You didn't do it. You promised me you wouldn't, so you didn't. Must have been someone you pissed off while you were sleeping.

(kenchin's told him. the message had been given - kazutora hanemiya is now, and forever, a member of the tokyo manji. back then, he meant it with everything he had. over the last decade, he's got words, little glimpses, but never close enough to see it for himself, to touch. words, pictures, it's all that he has.

and of course, kazutora wouldn't leave him alone. back when he was breathing, it was him and takemitchy looking for him once the boy returned.)

... I don't want you around, Kazutora. It's not about us, it's about me. I don't want any of you around.

... I haven't seen Baji.

Heh... [He did used to piss a lot of people off, that's true. He'd give a soft, amused smile at that.

Looking down quietly when he'd hear about Baji... Baji deserved better than this place, anyway. Maybe he'd gone to heaven like angels were supposed to. The ones with heads, at any rate.

He'd turn towards Mikey and look at him pointedly. At the way he held himself, at his expression, into his eyes. Kazutora had been enveloped by that curse, so there was a certain intrinsic understanding he had of what Mikey was battling.]

I know... you're going through some shit, huh? It's you, Mikey, so what.. you don't want to hurt anyone, is that it? Feel like you can't hold it in? Hey, look, I get it. I get how dangerous you must be like this..

But it doesn't matter. [He'd shake his head slowly.] There isn't anything you could do to me that I don't deserve.

[He'd pop the candy into his mouth and suck thoughtfully.] Look, if a fucked up piece of shit like me can start to get better, then there's no way you can't, right?

Candy's good, thanks. [He'd smile warmly, glancing back down at the wrapper.]

I'm not going to talk about it.

(as expected. it's weakness, that while everyone understands, sees, kazutora has only been exposed to briefly. he doesn't want it to leak, to worsen, to get its little disgusting hands on someone with thriving potential.

but it's the last part that's going to get him to sharpen his gaze, unhappy by the way he's treating himself.)

... Kazutora, you're not any of that. You made mistakes, several of them. I kept tabs on you, you know. You become an incredible man. So enough of putting yourself down.

[He'd frown, a pout, really, keeping his eyes on the wrapper, his brow knitting.]

My therapist says I treat myself like shit, too.. but I really am, so-- [A shrug.

Still, it was nice to hear Mikey say he wasn't. Really nice. To hear him say to treat himself well.. Mikey was the one whose forgiveness and love he'd wanted all along, sure that he'd never have it after he'd killed Shinichiro.

He'd go to rest his head on Mikey's shoulder.]

Don't leave me, Mikey.. Wherever you go, I wanna follow. I don't care how deep it goes; I don't wanna ever do wrong by you again..

I don't invite pieces of shit into my own house.

(after all, what has toman been if not his home?)

If you don't believe in yourself, at least believe in me. You're not.

(and who could argue with that logic? no one he knows, at the very least. the latest words, however, make him sign and groan.)

You can't, Kazu. It won't be good for you. I need you to be with good, like Takemitchy. He'll do fine by you.

.... I do believe in you..

[It would've been an impossible statement to make before, but Kazutora had felt it before the murder, and he felt it again now. Mikey never led them astray.

But he'd smirk at the mention of Takemichi again.]

I don't know him well, but that guy was everywhere, and he seemed to care so much about you and Baji and Chifuyu and Toman..

[He'd glance over at Mikey, still smirking.]

You really think that a guy like that is gonna leave you alone-? I mean, I can go to him, but let's be honest. [A wide grin.]

He's gonna follow you harder than I ever could.

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CW: Suicide

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