logs | (catch-all/open) hold up, i'm invincible

(push him

shut up.

baji might have figured it out way too easily, but he isn't going to be the one seeing mikey cry. he refuses to look at the other, refuses to make any noise, so he turns his back, much like a child would.

can't have a fucking moment of peace, manjiro.)

Do you remember, Baji? The day I ripped Sanzu's face with my own two hands? I never understood why I did that, but the feeling of it was-- something else.

[...he doesn't see no one crying.

At least, that's what he'll say, if ever quizzed on it.

He makes it to the top on uneven footing, but determined. He thought Mikey might try to push him; so a moment of clarity is a nice fucking Option B.

Wetting his lips, he'd not.]

...yeah, I remember.

It wasn't you. You were-- [How to describe it?] --possessed by sumthin'.

[And he'd seen that violence well up in men before, especially the types who joined gangs. But this had been different. He'd seen it only one other time; when Kazutora killed Shinichiro. And he felt the spectre of its hands start to choke the throats of the participants in the Valhalla and Toman fight...

It's why he'd done what he had, in part.

He didn't know what it was; if it was real, or if it just felt real to people like Mikey and Tora; but if Mikey was saying he was living with it almost 24/7 now... that that's why he'd become like this... well.

Baji would step up behind him, putting hands in his pockets, respectfully looking on ahead at the night, not down at the crying boy-- ...man.]

...I didn't want whatever that was to hurt you or Kazutora no more. I'm sorry I 'innit do better.

(strangely enough, it feels like it's a little better in baji's company. almost like it's soothed, even if it's just a little bit. that accounts for why a kick and a punch is all he has against the other. weapons that are too known, too customary.

kazutora's near-death came clearer, now, perhaps.)

I don't know about Kazutora. I'm... Like that all the time, now. I forget things, important things, all the time. I'm here, but I'm not. I killed Takemitchy, and I didn't feel a single thing.

Edited 2022-11-09 18:41 (UTC)

[With Mikey seeming to even out, Baji would tarry a few more steps forward before going to sit down beside him, legs over the edge, heel hitting the container's side. He'd still look on ahead, respectful of how rare the show of tears was for Mikey; there was no need to make things awkward.

Things were never awkward, between them.]

...you sure you didn't feel nothing? Or did you bury it down, and feel it later? Is it just like-- the violence pops up, you gotta do it, and your mind is blank in that moment? Or'sit blank alla time?

(the tears haven't stopped falling down his cheeks, even if he tries his best to keep his voice and demeanour contained. fuck, he needs a cigarette. baji can't fucking say shit about that one - his first was by the other's side, anyway. still without looking, he leaves the pack with his lighter next to him, as a peace offering, once he's done dragging on his own stick.

for now.)

I didn't feel a thing later because I killed myself, Baji. I jumped from a roof. Takemitchy held my hand, bleeding, and we argued while I dangled. Then, I was here. It's-- it's like both, now. I'm present just enough. I have killed many, and I've ordered Sanzu to kill many. Never weighted on my consciousness.

Edited 2022-11-09 19:05 (UTC)

[...he'd accept the gesture. Pluck one up, put it to his lips, light up. Take a drag. And set the lighter back down, listening.]

.....

[Again, Baji wasn't smart. He'd be the first to tell you that.

But when it came to his friends; the people he loved; he might as well have been a bonafide Nobel Prize-winning genius.

So he'd say the fucking logical thing that Mikey didn't seem to be processing.]

...if you were a dumbass, and killed yourself right after, then you fucking felt something, Mikey.

[He wasn't gonna question how Mikey killed a guy that then had the energy and gumption to run up and hold him aloft off the side of a roof--sometimes, people took a minute to die. But...]

You didn't even let him die first before you put the hit on yourself. So don't tell me it doesn't weigh.

...maybe it isn't weighin' right, you gotta get your pressure gauge back in tact... but it's not gone. Even if you've done a lot of bad shit... even if you're having trouble feelin'...

You don't wanna be. Who'd wanna feel like you do, all the time? ...must be like torture, Mikey.

[Another slow breath of smoke out.]

... I missed you.

(it only makes him cry even more, for the first time making a sound, and it's just a sniff. he lacks to energy to explain that it wasn't exactly because he felt something towards takemichi at that moment, but more because baji's right. it's torture, and it feels like it's never going to get better, it never has. instead, it worsened more, and more, and more, and he was just tired. the idea of takemichi returning to the past to deal with this bullshit was too much to bear.

he wanted it over.

but it is something, instead of nothing as he thought. his hand reaches for the other's, and he still won't look. obviously, he's now too old and bitter to have the same relationship they've had before, it'd be wrong even for mikey, but it's comforting to hold the hand.)

You can't be around me, though, Baji. I can't control myself, and I don't want to hurt you. I'd do it and not even remember it, not even notice until it's too late. I don't want to see you.

[He'd take his hand in return, holding it tightly, tucking it in against the side of his hip; unfussy.

He got it. He understood the reasoning now.

But again; it didn't matter.

It didn't matter if he couldn't control himself. It didn't matter if he was now so much older that bearing a teenager was too ridiculous. It didn't matter if Mikey hated him sometimes.]

...Sorry you had to. But-- I ain't gonna leave you. I owe you that.

I love you; and if you didn't feel jack shit, you wouldn't be worried for me. So I gotta stick with you, and I gotta try.

And if you hurt me, fuck it. [A half-shrug of a shoulder.] I killed me first, heh. You ain't gonna do me worse.

Edited 2022-11-09 19:28 (UTC)

(that comment is what makes him withdraw the hand as fast as he can. like freaking takemichi, it doesn't matter what mikey does, they just don't give up, and it's harder and harder to breathe as it is. trying to keep his shit together is already a feat, and he doesn't want to keep fighting.

enough is just enough.)

... I don't want to hurt you, idiot. That's the problem. I don't want this. If you really do love me, you have to leave me alone. Promise, Baji.

[He'd chase it, but not aggressively. A surprisingly gentle follow of fingers, silently asking.]

...You can't hurt me, Mikey. Physical shit passes. And I'm not half as cowardly as I'd gotta be to leave you to deal with this shit on your own.

You can't keep hurting yourself to save others-- we ain't asked you for that, so don't decide for us.

I've decided for you a decade ago. I'm not going to put you or me through this. I'm not alone. I have... Sanzu.

(who, technically, isn't here, so, yeah, tough titties, mikey.)

...OK, so if you have Sanzu, why not me too?

You hate me allauva sudden?

... Would you kill for me, Baji? Would you accept me like this? You would never.

You killed yourself so I didn't kill Kazutora. It's not a life for you.

Edited 2022-11-09 21:38 (UTC)

I accept you for whatever you’ve done or might do. But you’re hurting; and I don’t accept this version of you that’s in pain. I don’t accept giving up just cause you can’t carry it and don’t wanna share the load.

Would I kill for you? Heh. [He’d killed himself for Mikey’s soul, hadn’t he? Lil different, maybe.] Depends I guess, to be honest.

But if what you’re looking for is a mindless sycophant? No, that ain’t me.

Which makes me a cut above Sanzu.

[Sniffing, stubbing out his cigarette, and finally turning to Mikey. Offering a toothy grin.

Bite him, Sanzu.]

(ignoring that first part, only listening to what he wants, thanks. he's not enabling this.)

Does it? Sanzu doesn't even snore, you know.

(yeah....... yeah, he'd..... he'd know..... probably.....)

He's been taking care of me, you know. The Manji doesn't exist, but Bonten does. Yakuza shit.

(and his hand, with the unsmoked cigarette, touches his tattoo. at least the tears have dried, his face feels less puffy. still not looking.)

Yeah, well, whoopdido for him.

[An eyeroll.]

He’s been doing a shitty job, for the record. You look like crap.

Look at me, Mikey.

(THOSE WHO DIED ON HIM CAN'T COMPLAIN.)

No.

Twat bastard, look. at. me.

(fucking annoying. ANNOYING. mikey's hand even hovers in the air after a near pushing motion, because he was totally going to just push the other to his sure death.

if it weren't, well, baji. close. close.)

What the fuck do you want from me, Baji? What you want isn't going to happen. I can't give that to you.

(but the words are angrier, and he does look at the man. there's a smidge of emotion there, with the goggled empty eyes and frowned brows.)

Are you fuckin' stupid or something??

[Like, how many times had he told him what he wanted from him?

1. Look at me, repeated twice.
2. I wanna stick with you, repeated more times than he had fingers for, probably.

Staring back with calm determination, unimpressed.]

I ain't asking you to give it. I'm fucking taking it. Kill me if you gotta. As you can see, I'll crawl back up out the grave and to your side. So maybe stop trying to posture. You missed me, like you said.

Well here the fuck I am, Manjiro Sano.

You're on your own.

(his eyes fill again with water. no one alive has called him manjiro in so long - takemichi in his last breaths. nowadays, reminding him he's not this, originally, is not that great.

but instead, he's standing, flicking the long gone cigarette and going for the stairs.)

Fuck you, Baji.

(for leaving. for not listening. for insisting. he's a child, mikey's so old, so tired. he wonders, for a second, if baji had been alive, he'd get it at this age.

probably fucking not.)

[He'd get up, to follow him.

He was a child, comparatively. So the No You was strong with him.

But Mikey was actin' like a child. Running away from his problems; putting distance over solutions and calling that band aid a fix.

Baji already told him; he wasn't backing down.]

...you gonna treat your best friend like that? I know you don't wanna.

My best friend? You were never my best friend.

(because this fucker had been so many things in his life. his anchor, his first love, his captain. best friend feels feeble, and it feels like that to describe so many of the manji. but once they're in a more stable ground, that means mikey can kick.

it's not the temple that he aims for, although he does do the move for it, as misdirection. instead, it's his entire strength, down to the ribs. could be his imagination, but something cracked, he heard.)

[He'd take the sentence on the nose, and the kick directly to the ribs. After years of sparring with him, he should have known better. Known a decoy kick when he saw one teeing up. But considering he'd just been mopping himself up off the floor a day or so ago, his game's off. Everything is off. Wrong.

What was the point of everything he'd done and lost if Mikey was gone?

Even now, suddenly clutching at the siding of the tower, that was the prevailing thought.

...He'd definitely cracked a rib.

Looking up at him with fierce, fiery eyes, he'd hack a little-- and then spit the blood directly at Mikey's shirt, so he'd have a nice little souvenir. He wasn't forgetting him that easy.

And then, he'd continue to follow.]

You're gonna have to kill me... I won't stop. Knock me out. I'll wake up and find you. Call me names. I don't care. I won't stop, Manjiro. I won't leave you.

(worst part of everything is - the dark impulse isn't even dictating his actions, it's the slightest brainfog, even if it's still there. he's as aware of his every action as he'd ever been. it's not particularly different from what mikey's done to the entire manji when they came to look for him, once he ghosted.

making them hate him. it just hurts more, because-- it's a boy who's been gone. decades of him whispering into mikey's ear, whether real or otherwise, and he now can hear it clear as ever. decades of longing and mourning, and here he is, about to sacrifice it all over again. so, the blood only allows mikey to pierce the other's gaze, before he does go for the temple kick.)

Not a problem.

(catch-all/open) hold up, i'm invincible

cw trev spoilers

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cw suicide talk

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cw: mentions of suicide, trev spoilers

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