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OOC NOTE [click to expand]
ooc note
Exploration logs aren't events per se, nor are they mandatory. They're another type of prompt, not unlike the Notice Board's -- albeit (typically) a bit more fleshed out. And they serve multiple purposes! We use them to explore uncharted territories, specific establishments in Stygia or an NPC's motives, for instance. They do sometimes moderately correlate to the overarching plot, and will most of the time offer some kind of reward: artifacts, new transformations, clues, boons, etc. These prompts are generally available during less eventful months and for an undetermined amount of time. Just like the Notice Board's, they might create great opportunities for CR building. You're absolutely welcome to share your discoveries!
You are approached by the chief librarian
of the Academy, who explains that
several important books have vanished, and that
theft is suspected. Rather than admit that they
have been lax in their duties, the librarians ask
you to investigate the losses.
You enter the main hallway and are met with rows upon rows of colossal balconies, which stretch impossibly further than what the exterior of the building would suggest, housing seemingly endless rows of nearly identical bookcases. The shelves are filled with tomes both famous and obscure, innumerable in subject and author. All around, strange orbs of light seem to dance and glimmer about, as if sentient, through the bookcases and main hallway, as if to invite you forward. Books, both single and in small collections, levitate through the air, moving about as if to organize themselves back into their place - wherever that place may be. The scene is wondrous, chaotic, and oddly serene. The librarians lock the main doors behind you, and for a few hours, the library is quiet, allowing you to explore and search the place.
► STORAGE ROOM
Reams of parchment, blank vellum, quills, and ink are stored on shelves in this small area.
► CHIEF LIBRARIAN'S OFFICE
The head librarian’s chambers contain book-lined shelves, a desk, a small bed, a table, and chairs. It is homey and crowded, with decanters of fine liquor, jars of aromatic weed, and a collection of handcrafted pipes. The wall behind the desk looks a little odd, as if altered or repaired in the recent past.
► DOCUMENTS ROOM
The walls of this room are lined with shelves containing varied documents—old manuscripts, maps, records and the like—as well as several tables and chairs for study. Stairs go down to a basement that ends at a locked door. It contains various items including food and water, three tall statues, cleaning supplies... and skely-tons. One of them carries a rusty key in its mouth, which unfortunately doesn't unlock the door there.
► BOOKS YOU MIGHT COME ACROSS
If you go back to the Chief Librarian's chambers and investigate the wall, knock: it's hollow. There's a safe on the other side: unlock it with the key, and you'll find a diagram detailing three highlighted areas in front of three different statues. The basement. In truth, there are three pressure switches in front of each statue on there; when all three are pressed simultaneously, the locked door opens on a secret passage. However, if any weight is removed from the switches, the door is once again locked. Parties with 4 or more characters may make easy work of this predicament, but smaller parties may have to improvise and use books or furniture in lieu of other characters.
When all four switches are triggered, the hidden passage is revealed... and as you reach the end, you realize, too late, that it's a trap. The Chief Librarian stands before you, the glimmers of the library congregating around him; books begin to float, most likely the stolen tomes.
The door locks behind you, and the Chief Librarian lurches forward, transforming into a giant, monstrous beast. A werewolf, particularly weak against silver. If you're bitten or scratched, you'll experience your first transformation on the next full moon, which will also negate the alterations you may already be going through.
Once you've defeated the Chief Librarian, report to the Academy's Elders. They'll investigate the scene and reward you with a Slumberbook, which soothes and calms the listeners’ Shadows if read aloud. If you ask about the stolen tomes, now scattered across the ground among ripped robes, they'll hesitate and mention that 'the truth will rise when you gaze upon the cantilever stairs.' And with that, you're encouraged to leave, but not without an invitation to come back whenever you wish to browse the available collection of books.
“Can I count on your discretion? We have been losing books. Well, not exactly
losing … we think our books are being stolen. Naturally,
it would not do for the Academy Elders to learn that we
librarians have allowed important volumes to go missing.
I’m asking you as a favor to discreetly find out what’s
happening. We can’t offer much, but you would certainly
have our gratitude.”
You enter the main hallway and are met with rows upon rows of colossal balconies, which stretch impossibly further than what the exterior of the building would suggest, housing seemingly endless rows of nearly identical bookcases. The shelves are filled with tomes both famous and obscure, innumerable in subject and author. All around, strange orbs of light seem to dance and glimmer about, as if sentient, through the bookcases and main hallway, as if to invite you forward. Books, both single and in small collections, levitate through the air, moving about as if to organize themselves back into their place - wherever that place may be. The scene is wondrous, chaotic, and oddly serene. The librarians lock the main doors behind you, and for a few hours, the library is quiet, allowing you to explore and search the place.
► STORAGE ROOM
Reams of parchment, blank vellum, quills, and ink are stored on shelves in this small area.
► CHIEF LIBRARIAN'S OFFICE
The head librarian’s chambers contain book-lined shelves, a desk, a small bed, a table, and chairs. It is homey and crowded, with decanters of fine liquor, jars of aromatic weed, and a collection of handcrafted pipes. The wall behind the desk looks a little odd, as if altered or repaired in the recent past.
► DOCUMENTS ROOM
The walls of this room are lined with shelves containing varied documents—old manuscripts, maps, records and the like—as well as several tables and chairs for study. Stairs go down to a basement that ends at a locked door. It contains various items including food and water, three tall statues, cleaning supplies... and skely-tons. One of them carries a rusty key in its mouth, which unfortunately doesn't unlock the door there.
► BOOKS YOU MIGHT COME ACROSS
► Under The Silver Moon: This book contains information on lycanthropy and the effects that it may bestow upon you. The author of this book makes lycanthropy sound like a REALLY good idea.
► Cooking with Grandma: This seemingly pleasant sounding book goes into great detail explaining how the flesh and bones of older humans can be used to make delicious food.
► Call of the Void: A strange tome written in an unknown language. Attempting to read it causes headaches and dizziness.
► Mnemotical Magic: This tome has moving pictures of funny situations and animals. Which seems like a humorous pass-time soon reveals that the magically animated graphics are powered by a curse, probably. Directing an open page to a person will also make them repeat the depicted action; if the page shows a dog wagging its tail, for instance, the targeted person will feel the urge to mimic exactly that.
► Bargains of the Netherworld: A mysterious memoir recording the author's descent into madness before murdering his family.
► Incredible Creatures and How to Kill Them: Details weaknesses monsters are known to have.
► Claiming the Crown: An Experienced Guide to Assassinating Royals. How to brew a poison, how to create a disguise, tips on wielding daggers, and more!
► Half-Human, Half-Darkling, All Man: Porn. It's porn.
► Nightwalkers: A well used guidebook of general information on creatures that hunt humans such as Nightweavers, Werewolves, and Hags.
If you go back to the Chief Librarian's chambers and investigate the wall, knock: it's hollow. There's a safe on the other side: unlock it with the key, and you'll find a diagram detailing three highlighted areas in front of three different statues. The basement. In truth, there are three pressure switches in front of each statue on there; when all three are pressed simultaneously, the locked door opens on a secret passage. However, if any weight is removed from the switches, the door is once again locked. Parties with 4 or more characters may make easy work of this predicament, but smaller parties may have to improvise and use books or furniture in lieu of other characters.
When all four switches are triggered, the hidden passage is revealed... and as you reach the end, you realize, too late, that it's a trap. The Chief Librarian stands before you, the glimmers of the library congregating around him; books begin to float, most likely the stolen tomes.
“It was a joy watching you run in circles. It would have been much quicker to just lock you in, but I'm in dire need of entertainment. I've been under the scrutiny of the Elders for a while, you see. So many of these tomes are filled with lies... It is my sworn duty to revise and redraft, but they would rather follow in those damnable stingers' footsteps. Well, no matter. These books will disappear with you, and the truth will finally adorn the shelves. You've been a most excellent decoy. May you rot in peace now as I continue my work.”
The door locks behind you, and the Chief Librarian lurches forward, transforming into a giant, monstrous beast. A werewolf, particularly weak against silver. If you're bitten or scratched, you'll experience your first transformation on the next full moon, which will also negate the alterations you may already be going through.
Once you've defeated the Chief Librarian, report to the Academy's Elders. They'll investigate the scene and reward you with a Slumberbook, which soothes and calms the listeners’ Shadows if read aloud. If you ask about the stolen tomes, now scattered across the ground among ripped robes, they'll hesitate and mention that 'the truth will rise when you gaze upon the cantilever stairs.' And with that, you're encouraged to leave, but not without an invitation to come back whenever you wish to browse the available collection of books.
being a were doesn't limit you to lycanthropy. you may choose to turn into any beast you like. available changes include:
► sharper canines, pointier ears, and claws
► longer hair, patches of fur anywhere on your body
► uncontrollable urge to turn into beast on full moons
► berserk-like behavior during transformations
► enhanced strength and agility, five senses heightened
► can turn others by scratching or biting them
► pack instinct
► memory loss and exhaustion after transformation
► transformations may be triggered by strong emotions
► may be cured by piercing the were's hands with silver nails
no subject
but none of that matters too much when he can get into the books. even if they contain no information about the curse, or anything useful about soul forging, books are useful and interesting— mostly. when he can make sense of them. he's distracted enough that he doesn't notice when mo ran joins him until those long, large fingers enter his line of sight. ] Mo Ran! [ he says it sharply out of habit long born, but his gaze isn't too annoyed when he lifts his head. he feels torn about it: he wants to see mo ran, especially smiling. but there are the dreams, and the warmth when he wakes up, and the curse lingering between them, and every time chu wanning looks at him, he feels sharp guilt. nothing's been useful, although the medicine does help, and chu wanning worries endlessly. ]
I am looking for information about the curse. [ he jerks the book away from mo ran's fingers and closes it, setting it to the growing pile on his right, while he reaches for another book, although he waits to open it. ] There seems to be little information about it, unfortunately. Also searching for information about soul forging and engineering. [ he recites his searches methodically, distantly. it's easier, when he can keep some distance and not think about how he's failing his disciple. ] You should not be wandering around, aren't you meant to be resting?
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Thank you anyway, shizun. You've been doing your best and that's what matters.
[ he would be aware of it even without their connection, but that makes it all the more obvious: from chu wanning's side, their bond is constantly drowned in guilt. sharp, stinging guilt, every time chu wanning even just looks at mo ran and his increasing tiredness; it becomes thick enough to make anyone sick the moment mo ran starts coughing. chu wanning must feel helpless. that's why mo ran does his best to remind him that effort is enough. ]
If there was anything in those books, someone as clever as shizun would've found it a long time ago. I'm guessing whomever rules the place has no interest in sharing research. [ he assumes, since it's weird such a curse regularly affects more than half the population and yet nothing useful about how to counter it has surfaced --besides confessing one's feelings, but that sounds like children's tales.
he tugs the package he made closer and undoes it, before he reaches for one of his teacher's hands and turns it palm up. his own hand lingers, though, fingers loosely wrapped around the side of the other's and his thumb rubbing into the palm. he doesn't even realize he's doing it. ] Shizun must be tired. You barely ate anything this morning. You're always like this, you never realize how time runs by while you're working.
[ he smiles at him fondly, his expression giving away his adoration even more than usual. if anyone were to overhear, he would likely sound like a worried husband. the blinking of his eyes is particularly slow, as if he's somewhat struggling to hold himself together, a little too mellow; the medicine tends to affect him like this these days, when he doesn't sleep.
i missed you, will echo clearly in chu wanning's mind in reply to his question, coming directly through their bond from mo ran's, too out of it to realize he's not controlling it as usual. one hand still holding onto his teacher's, the other fishes in his package and he gently puts a zongzi on his palm, still warm. ] Resting is boring, shizun. [ and a pang of loneliness will seep through; he easily gets like that when he's by himself for too long. ] I made some with meat and some with red beans and dates, so you can have sweet ones too. [ his dimples are deep at the corners of his soft smile. ]
no subject
but it floods the bond, evident even over chu wanning's striking guilt, a counterpoint to his sharpness. he knows mo ran means to comfort him, when he says that, and he can accept this, with the weight of feelings behind it. there's no harshness in it, no accusations; he doesn't intend to throw chu wanning's failures in his face. it still unnerves him and only makes him more determined to find something.
(he can't lose mo ran. not now. not when he has seen how his disciple has grown and has him here, no longer hating him. he'd rather it be him than mo ran. how does death in this place even work? would he be cursed never to be reincarnated?)
the thoughts rattling in his head are enough of a distraction that chu wanning doesn't protest when mo ran takes his hand. he can only blink at him, twin spots of color on his cheeks and his ears burning, as mo ran caresses his hand. how shameless! and chu wanning is there, letting him do it, in public no less, like some affectionate couple with no sense of propriety.
he wars with his conscience, caught: mo ran is sleepier and mellower with the medicine, and it's important for him to take it, and chu wanning can hardly scold him for that. especially when he scolded mo ran for not taking it before. and he'll take a mellow, sleep mo ran over one coughing. but this is too much, so shameless.
he's about to protest when the 'i missed you' hits, and that, more than anything else, keeps him quiet. how can he scold him for that when mo ran hasn't even said it? chu wanning huffs slightly, and he sounds grumpy when he next speaks, but it's just to hide the overwhelming embarrassment and unusual situation. ] Ridiculous. It might be boring, but it's necessary. [ he thinks. that's what everyone tells him, although he's just as bad at resting as mo ran. ] Did you eat, then? If you couldn't rest.
[ chu wanning pulls his hand back, fingers curling around the zongzi. it's still warm, and the smell wafting up from it is wonderful. he unwraps it to take a bite almost immediately, and the taste is perfection, as close to home as mo ran could manage. ]
no subject
how ironic, for his teacher to reprimand him about resting, when he's the first one who's never done that, even when heavily injured. also here, he's always the first one to get up: ever since they started sharing the one bed, mo ran always wakes up alone. if he's lucky chu wanning will still be in the room, studying or working on his projects; if he's not, he'll be outside. those latter times the bed is always cold on the other's side, as if he didn't lay there long enough for the mattress to hold any body heat at all.
he hums when he's asked if he ate. ] I did, I tried out the filling to make sure it was okay and then had a zongzi of each type, in case I needed to adjust the seasoning. [ he replies quietly, observing enraptured his teacher eating his cooking. his expression is tell-tale enough, but the wave of satisfaction hitting from chu wanning's side of the bond makes it all the more obvious: it's perfect and he likes it. mo ran grins, overjoyed.
he would honestly stay there and watch his teacher eat, and he does for a minute; until he realizes it's rude and he's going to be scolded for that as well. so, he reaches out for the book chu wanning has picked out and slides it over to himself, to look at what he's been searching --and also not to risk for a stray grain of rice to fall on top of it.
upon opening it at a random page, it takes a moment for his mind to really wrap around what he's seeing: explicit illustrations cover both pages, so unequivocal not to leave any doubt. it is, clearly put, porn. unapolegetic, obvious porn.
mo ran blinks at it, dumbfounded, until a wave of uncomfortable heat washes over him, cheeks pink and ears of a deep red. he's seen many of these books, the only thing that had him really interested during the difficult phase of his teenage; he went through many of them in the brothel he used to go to, even. he's ashamed to say he tried many of these positions, as he rushedly flips through it to see if it's all porn, whether it was with rong jiu or his wives. that thought especially brings unbelievable shame over him and he's flushed so hard his eyes are almost watery. ]
Shi... [ his voice risks breaking. ] Shizun was studying... [ uh. ] ...physiques from this book...? [ that must be it. there must be some explanation --maybe he's just too dumb and he can't see past the obvious. chu wanning would never... right..? that last twinge of doubt makes him lift his gaze to look at the older man, hesitating. ]
no subject
the warmth and small joy he gets from eating echoes through the bond, and he can feel a response from mo ran, happiness sparking through the bond.
it crashes a moment later when mo ran opens the book, and chu wanning bares the burnt of responses: mo ran's flush and the shock and shame over the bond. what could have brought on a response like that? anatomy books are common and useful, when studying a curse that involves physical impacts on the body, and mo ran is aware of what the human body looks like, considering he has one.
so he sets aside the zongzi and reaches for the book, frowning. ] What's so bad about this book? [ and then he looks at it, flipping open to a page. even when it's something he's unfamiliar with, his mind is quick to put pieces together, and his phoenix eyes open wide, his pale skin flushing. he slams the book closed, horror evident on his face. ] No! Absolutely not. [ he would never have picked out such a book if he knew it contained.... that! how is that even in a book? why would it be in a book?! who would be so shameless to draw such explicit imagery and bind it together?
spring books exist and he knows that but... he didn't expect something like this. so explicit. he'd looked at the page for no more than a few seconds, and it burned into his eyes.
he feels the embarrassment rising, likely flooding the bond, and he resorts to his usual defensive anger, pushing the book away and glaring at the table, rising from his seat, unable to meet mo ran's eyes. ] Someone snuck that book into my stack. It was a prank.
[ he'd likely collected it among all the rest of his books, assuming it was talking about anatomy. but he's not going to accept the shame of that. ] This library is haunted.
[ which isn't entirely wrong, as far as he knows, since books go missing and they keep floating around. or maybe it was one of those skely-tons. they're clearly mischievous. ]
no subject
he's almost relieved to see the older man so shocked and he tries to calm down himself, pressing his hand against the lower half of his face, rubbing fingers against his mouth nervously. the way chu wanning's discomfort adds to his own through the bond and literally double it makes it almost difficult to breathe, when it's already a struggle.
but it is a little amusing, witnessing chu wanning so discombobulated, it happens rarely. ]
Is something haunting you to prank you, shizun?
[ he asks, voice muffled into his fingers, making lightly fun of him because one second it's one thing and the next is another. he isn't too sure someone would go out of his way to prank chu wanning. do they have a death wish? ] It's... it's fine if you were curious, shizun. That's not a sin.
[ he offers, truthfully only because he wants to know if there's any chance chu wanning may have sought this out himself --their bond may give him away no matter what he says, then.
but the illustrations are too clear in his own mind as they are in the older man's and mo ran's memory can't help wandering to times when they were tangled in bed. is wanning envisioning that with someone else? he pushes the thought away quickly, lest something reaches the other, but the emotion is so strong that it brings a bout of coughing, no matter the medicine. it's lighter than usual, but he has to turn, to pick the petals from his lips --yellow rose, jealousy. ]
no subject
he abruptly drops into his seat, refusing to look at mo ran at first. ]I was not. I would never— [ and that's a lie, but no one needs to know that. he is curious. he is interested. he wants, and sometimes it burns in him, the things he can imagine. they're filthy and depraved, proving he's even more of a disgusting old man. he can't let anyone know about that. especially mo ran, who likes and respects him now and would be horrified to know chu wanning has thoughts. impure, improper thoughts.
chu wanning is the yuheng elder. the beidou immortal. mortal, earthly desires should be beyond him. ] Something is haunting me in the library. I will stop spending time here and find a better place to research. [ which is a lie, there's no better place to research, but he can manage. or— ] perhaps we should do an exorcism— [ and then mo ran is coughing again and whatever anger he feels fades in the force of his worry.
is mo ran so disgusted by the thoughts of chu wanning doing... that, that he gets sick? ] Mo Ran?
no subject
he'd made that comment almost in passing, sure to be proven wrong --hell, wanting to be proven wrong. but now it's clear that wanning is lying, that he holds some interest over that kind of topic and mo ran tastes bile in the back of his throat. this isn't how it was supposed to go: he is willing to stay by his teacher's side forever, not to reveal his feelings so their relationship isn't compromised. but it was supposed to be just the two of them.
he never took into consideration chu wanning could find someone who'd catch his eye, awaken his curiosity --the beidou immortal isn't supposed to be interested in that. the sudden pain to his chest is crushing, like his whole lungs have never been fuller of flowers and especially thorns. mo ran nearly wheezes. ]
I... I just need... fresh air...
[ it's his turn to lie so that chu wanning won't worry too much, as he scrambles up to his feet, his coughing suddenly violent, and he storms out of the library. he stops in the side alley right outside, coughing harder than he's ever done, retching whole flowers and bright red blood, tears from the exertion stinging in the corners of his eyes. he gives an unrestrained, frustrated growl, before he spits out the last thorns, both tongue and lips scratched. ]
no subject
chu wanning is just a terrible man.
a pit settles into his stomach, terrible and awful and a vivid reminder of how much he's failed everyone. can't even keep his filthy desires to himself to not disgust mo ran. part of him is tempted just to sit there, continuing with his research, but no matter how terrible he feels, mo ran is suffering and ill, and he can't let anything happen to mo ran. moving rather quickly, he gathers the food out of habit, along with his notes, and carefully stacks his books into a pile for the librarians to reshelve, and heads out. mo ran is easy to find, following the sounds of coughing, and chu wanning finds him leaning against the wall in the alley. ]
Mo Ran. Let's go back. [ he sounds firm enough, he hopes, that he won't take no for an answer. ] You need more medicine. [ and rest, and possibly something to eat that's easier to swallow. ]
no subject
he's too focused on himself and his pain to realize the sorrow and discomfort in chu wanning. that's why he doesn't try to make conversation for the whole way home, quietly walking next to him, mind distant and muscle memory taking over.
upon reaching what's become their place and stepping into the bedroom that's now looking a lot like the part, mo ran starts stripping. even when chu wanning helps him apply the ointment, he never does that; at most, he tugs his robes down just enough to reveal only the portion of skin that's necessary, and he takes care of his chest himself.
today he hastily removes his layers until he's just in pants, torso completely bare, sun-kissed skin and the pale scars of tianwen littering his rippling muscles all too clear. if he can't have chu wanning for himself for much longer, he will try and take as much as he can as a disciple.
he sits on the bed, tugs his long ponytail forward to rest on his shoulder so it's not in the way. ]
Please apply more medicine than we usually do, shizun. Maybe we need to increase the area.
[ he wants to be touched, he needs it, the desire for it searing his reason. his voice sounds thick and deep, risking to give him away, but maybe he can blame it on the coughing. ]
no subject
but like this, stripped of most of his clothes, that sun-kissed skin on display, the muscles shifting beneath his skin, chu wanning is abruptly and forcefully reminded of it. his disciple is a grown man, no longer the young man he remembers.
a grown man marked by his teacher's terrible temper. it's shaming to see, and chu wanning has to swallow back the guilt he feels at the lingering marks. he has scars from previous ones, and some of the newer ones will turn into scars.
chu wanning truly is an awful man.
and yet mo ran still lets him touch him and is fine with chu wanning applying the oil. even with how awkward he is rubbing the salve in, chu wanning can do this for him. which he does, pouring the oil into his hands and rubbing them together to warm up his palms and the oil a little. he never gets really warm, and he knows mo ran must feel it in his back when chu wanning places his hands on him. but mo ran never complains.
he tries a little harder this time to ensure his hands are warm, feeding a little spiritual energy into his palms, so when he finally touches mo ran, his hands and the oil are warmer than usual. he's firm with the massage, making sure not to tickle him and also trying to get the oil massaged in, and this time he covers his entire back, from nape to just above his waist.
mo ran is tall, that much he knows, but also broad and muscular in a way that makes chu wanning feel small next to him, and chu wanning is no tiny, delicate maiden. but he doesn't let himself think about that, else it would be dangerous for him: he doesn't need such thoughts, not when mo ran is disgusted by him. no need to add fuel to that fire. he doesn't even think too much, focusing only on massaging in the oil. ]
no subject
Shizun...
[ he calls, voice thick with everything he feels, the tangle of it making his tone breathless. how can he not be greedy? he can't let anyone else have chu wanning for themselves. ]
It would've been nice to have some of Shi Mei's knowledge, hm?
[ he gives a tentative smile, looking past his shoulder, to the back, gaze lingering on chu wanning. maybe they would've managed to work on something more than just this medicine, with his fellow disciple's medical skills. ]
Shizun, what have you found out about the sickness? They keep saying it's related to feelings...
[ if he got sick because he's in love, his mentor being healthy means he doesn't feel anything for anyone else? maybe mo ran was too quick to panic, maybe curiosity towards affection doesn't equate to being interested in someone specific.
mo ran shifts once chu wanning is done with applying the oil, skin still tingling like it holds memory of his touch and doesn't want to let it go yet. a part of him doesn't hate this cough, since it gives him the chance to be touched like this. he leans the back of his head against the wall, now turned so he can look at the other. it's working quickly, he feels the sluggishness, slow breathing leading the rise and fall of his bare chest. to be fair his skin houses scars also from the many battles he fought in those five years, some over the span of days.
he reaches for the other's hand and has him wipe his fingers across his pectorals, so they won't stay stained with oil. he wonders how much his teacher may hate all of this with how not fond of physical contact he is and yet he's doing it all for him. he can't help saying earnestly, gaze heavy: ]
I'm sorry you're stuck here with me, shizun.
no subject
he makes a quiet noise of agreement. it would be good to have him here, with his knowledge of medicine. maybe he could solve the problem so mo ran wouldn't be coughing, or at least not coughing as much. it has to be troubling for mo ran, to be here without shi mei and suffering so, with only chu wanning to help him. and what help can chu wanning offer? rubbing medicine into his back, researching a curse that has no information? what help are those?
when mo ran turns around, and chu wanning looks at him without realizing it, studying his chest. there are scars he knows aren't from tianwen, although he doesn't know if they're from before his time at sisheng or in the five years between them. he can't bare to ask, but he catalogs them, until he realizes he's staring and jerks his gaze away. his hand, on mo ran's chest, curls around his pectorals, indecent and improper.
his student has to hate it, being stuck here with chu wanning, failed once again by his teacher. he has to breathe in deeply and push back against the shadow fighting to take over. now isn't the time, no matter the despair he feels when mo ran confirms he's sorry that chu wanning is the one here with him. ]
I know you would rather have anyone else here. [ chu wanning realizes where his hand is, and tries to jerk back, but it's still trapped in mo ran's hand, nowhere to go. he can feel his heartbeat, slow and steady, and if he tries, even a little, it's easy to feel the spiritual energy coursing through him, although so much of it is directed toward dealing with the curse. it will kill him, and if it doesn't do that, it will leave him drained of energy.
how strong must mo ran's feelings be for shi mei, or whoever it is he has feelings for, to curse him here in the afterlife? chu wanning feels a flare of jealousy, hot and burning in his stomach. ] Shi Mei should be here, to help with the curse.
no subject
Why do you say that? Have I ever given you reason to think so?
[ he wonders earnestly, his heart worn on his sleeve. it's impossible to think he's lying. he thought they were doing well, that he was being decent company for the other, that he was managing to show how much he treasures him through little things, like making him food, or buying exactly the fabric he wanted to make the kind of curtains he liked. has he unconsciously given any reason for his teacher to doubt his sincerity? has he fallen short, once again? ]
Shi Mei's help surely would've been handy, but that's about it. I don't know if Shi Mei and I would've still gotten along in the first place, after so many years apart.
[ he smiles softly. mo ran drifted away from him and he wouldn't even be able to explain why. surely the realization of his true feelings was a big part of it, but there was something else: he struggled to trust him for keeping secrets that always impacted chu wanning, like the one of his wontons. ]
I saw you dead, shizun. Your body was in a coffin in Frost Sky Hall and I watched over it. Your lips were blue and you were so cold, shizun. And your hands, because of me--
[ his voice breaks, the rims of his eyes quickly growing red and he clutches at both of chu wanning's hands with his own, as if to keep him safe and warm, his fingers gathered on his chest. they were maimed and bloody, all just to save him. he holds them firmly, brushes his thumbs over them, and his heartbreak keeps traveling their bond, unrelenting. ]
There's nobody else I wanted to see more. I was overjoyed when we found each other here. So much so that I thought it was a beautiful dream, seeing you alive. It was beautiful and it was terrifying, since you told me once that the most wonderful dreams are hardly ever real.
[ he speaks quietly, warmly, keeping the other's palm pressed above his heart, as if giving him way to read him through his heartbeats. he is also being crafty, in a way, carefully testing something he's believed to be the truth for a while: that it wasn't shi mei saving him in jincheng lake and speaking those words, but chu wanning. ]
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but chu wanning can't admit he was wrong there, or had different ideas about what mo ran meant, so he glances away, ears burning but face set. not that it matters when mo ran brings up his death. chu wanning doesn't remember much of it, other than the worry and fear that he was too late to save mo ran, that nothing he'd done had worked. the hatred of his weak body, a complete failure, the depleted spiritual power so he couldn't fly back to sisheng peak and had to carry mo ran up those stairs. he doesn't regret it— he just wishes he'd been able to get mo ran up them quicker so there wouldn't have been any wonder. ]
You were my disciple. [ and so much more. chu wanning would have attempted to save any of his disciples, but mo ran has always been special. ] If I could not save you, what use would I have been? [ what use would chu wanning have been to himself? could he live in a world where mo ran was not? mo ran, who had so much in him, who was bright and quick and charming and would influence the world, unlike chu wanning. ] You had potential and deserved to fulfill that, not die there, forgotten and unacknowledged. My hands were unimportant. [ and everything else.
he can't pull them back since mo ran is holding them close to his chest, and that heartbreak is traveling through the bond. chu wanning doesn't understand why, and the lack of understanding makes him uncomfortable. why would mo ran be brokenhearted over chu wanning? even if he is glad to see him, they're still just mentor and disciple— mo ran has to know chu wanning would protect him here.
he does flinch away from the mention of those words. when he'd said them that time, he'd believed them, and they hold true now. the best dreams hardly ever come true. if things are beautiful and perfect, there's something wrong. happiness doesn't come for men like them.
but mo ran isn't asking about that.
he's asking about something else.
chu wanning looks away finally, eyes dropping to the hands resting against mo ran's chest. his pale, cold hands with their scars and calluses, captured between mo ran's larger hands, warm and sun-kissed and so strong. ] It was true then. And it is true now. I am thankful you're here with me, but we are still trapped in this strange, terrible place.
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Your hands, you, everything that makes you... hardly any of that was or is unimportant, shizun. [ he speaks honestly, warmly, and he's getting dangerously open. ] Your use cannot be measured, simply because it is too big, with all the things you've done for others simply because it was right. [ through their souls, he is able to perceive chu wanning's insecurity, especially now, how he thinks himself undeserving, simply because he cannot help everyone, cannot fix everything. it is too big a burden he put on himself.
how pure is someone like this, mo ran's inhale is shaky, once again overwhelmed by how good chu wanning is. for someone as dirty and corrupted as mo ran, isn't it a gift even just to be allowed to secretly nurture feelings for him?
he smiles, his dimples appearing yet again, eyes holding galaxies and they're all shining for the one in front of him. it was indeed him, at jincheng lake, abandoning his most blissful dream to face pain solely to save mo ran. it reinforces mo ran's will to do better, be better. ]
And yet there is kindness to it. Even in this strange, terrible place, we're together. The days I've been spending here with you are pleasant. [ the curse is a very little price to pay, when in return he gets moments like these, where he can hold chu wanning's hands and bask in his presence, like one would do with sunlight. ] It was dark without you, shizun. [ he knows it's too much now, he's getting greedy, but he can't help bringing one of the older man's hands to his cheek, and he leans into his palm, closes his eyes. ]
I couldn't bear to live in a world without you. [ it's awfully quiet even in his deep voice, almost wanting to give chu wanning an excuse: he could always say he didn't hear him, if words like that sit too heavy on his chest, or sound too sentimental for him. but even if his teacher were to search their bond, he would find nothing but fondness and sincerity there. ]
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[ there was no racket; the streets outside were and continue to be quiet, and chu wanning knows his lie is absolutely terrible, but he hopes mo ran won't call him out. he gets up from the edge of the bed and turns around, tripping over his feet and barely catching his balance. ]
We should clean up better. Stop leaving things on the floor.
[ there's nothing on the floor. mo ran cleans up chu wanning's mess, organizes the tools and his blueprints and the scraps of metal chu wanning tends to leave around wherever he puts them. mo ran's an excellent roommate. ]
I'll make dinner. Congee. [ he can do that. kind of. he doesn't always burn it. and there is the zongzi mo ran made earlier. mo ran should eat something; that's what one does when sick. (he thinks. chu wanning never paid much attention.) ] You need to eat something.
[ he disappears into the kitchen then, focusing on cooking something. he really can make congee, even if it's terrible, and spends some time in the kitchen being louder than he should be. a little while later, he reappears, a steaming bowl in his hands. ]
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Yes, shizun. I'll do better.
[ he agrees, even if he never leaves anything around; that is his teacher's job, living in utter chaos. mo ran always makes sure everything is tidy and clean and he organizes the other's materials as usefully as possible.
while the other possibly makes a mess in the kitchen that mo ran will have to clean later (yet not even that takes the smile off his face), he pushes himself off the bed to recover at least a layer of his upper clothes. he wobbles on his feet, so, before he makes more work for chu wanning by having to be scooped up from the floor, he simply puts that on without tucking it in his pants, trying to keep the two halves of it as close as possible. sitting on the bed again with his back propped against a pillow, he loosens his hair, inky locks spilling across his shoulders and to the front. he rubs at his scalp a little, feeling sore, making his hair a little messy. with his hand slowly falling from his head to his lap, he slips in and out of a light doze, courtesy of the medicine, no matter the noise.
when chu wanning approaches again, his eyes flutter open and he gives him a sleepy smile that drips sweetness with how his self-control is wearing away because of the ointment, dimples deep and eyes focusing on wanning like he can't see anything else. ]
Thank you, shizun. It smells really good.
[ chu wanning's congee is very hit or miss; when it isn't burnt, it's generally only half-cooked, and bland to a fault. but the sole fact that chu wanning cooked for him, no matter it being to escape from his honest words, makes it precious. he reaches to take the bowl from him, even if he seems a little out of it. ]
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easier, that way; he doesn't have to hear mo ran insist he'll eat it and enjoy it just because chu wanning made it.
when mo ran reaches out to take the bowl, chu wanning holds it a little closer to his body, hands still gripping it. ] We don't have a tray. So I'll hold it, and you can eat. [ which is awkward, even though there's a spoon. but he's committed now, and scoots higher up on the edge of the bed so he isn't holding the bowl out at arm's length. ] I'll make some trays for us. We have some extra wood. [ that'll be easy to do, even if they'll disintegrate eventually.
and then mo ran won't have to worry about holding bowls like this while trying to eat and suffering from his illness or medication. not that it will be like this for long— he hopes. they have to find a cure for it, since so many people seem to be suffering from this curse. and none of it fair or justified, just a random curse that hit people. he expected no better from the afterlife, but it still hurts his heart. and he can't save them since there's no information other than what people have discussed. talking about feelings, confessing your love. if only a curse were cured that easily. ] Eat, eat. And then you should nap. [ what else would madam wang or tanlang elder say? warm water, perhaps? are the windows open? is the weather bad for it?
why is healing so difficult? ]
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he straightens up and gets the first spoonful, smiling around it as he chews. the rice isn't thoroughly cooked, but it's hot and it's made directly by his shizun, so there's nothing else mo ran could want. ] Trays would be really handy. But hopefully I won't be sick for long and we won't need them often. [ he says with his expression soft. ]
It's really good, shizun. [ he claims after the next spoonful, expression so bright that it's clear it's no lie. of course it's no perfect cooking, but it doesn't really matter. he wants to think chu wanning put care into it (he would say love, but he's not that sick to have become crazy) and that'll help him get better soon. ]
Will shizun go back to the library while I rest? [ with the kind of expression he's wearing, if he was a dog, his ears would be drooping now. he looks like a forlorn puppy, at the idea of being left alone again. ] You should eat my zongzi. You've barely had a bite because of me. I'll be happy if you finish them and that'll help with me recovering. [ he words it almost childishly, as if he wanted to guilt chu wanning but honestly he's just doing it to see him bristle again. the way he left to make the congee was far too endearing, mo ran almost wants to watch more of that. maybe he's really feeling better. ]
Shizun, stop going to the library to research the curse. Don't leave me by myself.
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he considers the question, all of his little requests. what would it hurt to stay with him? he knows mo ran needs people, so it's a shame that it has to be chu wanning as the familiar face, who doesn't deal well with people and prefers to keep his own company. it doesn't help that this entire situation has left chu wanning flustered and unprepared to deal with his feelings.
mo ran's always known how to wear him down. and this is no different. ] I'll stay and eat the zongzi, and we'll figure out when good times are for researching.