(closed) the blue stars shiver in the distance

[zhanmadao]

WHO: Mo Ran & Chu Wanning
WHERE: The Harbors, marketplace
WHEN: some day of November
WHAT: shopping
WARNINGS: none at the moment

Comments

[rumination]

[ chu wanning isn't stupid. he knows it's getting worse, especially when he can hear the gradual progression in mo ran's breathing and the hoarseness of his coughing. but he can't say anything about it, since mo ran's emotions flood the bond, and while chu wanning tries his best not to eavesdrop or spy on his emotions, it's hard when they're so open. it's mo ran in pain, which makes the guilt even worse. if chu wanning could find a way to transfer the curse, he would: despite his strictness, he never wanted anything to happen to his disciples, and something like this is untenable for him. he can't control it, can't figure out how to protect mo ran.

and mo ran gave away the only medicine that was known to help?! what kind of an idiot disciple— the annoyance hides the jealousy flaring in his chest at the mention of a friend. a girl. mo ran had a crush on shi mei, who was beautiful and delicate, not like chu wanning, and so many of the women chu wanning has seen have been like that, pretty and delicate and nice. mo ran has grown in his years, so it's not surprising he gave away his medicine, and it was the right thing to do, but that still doesn't mean it's easy to acknowledge.

the jumble of emotions likely bleeds through the bond: concern and annoyance and jealousy and a deep, deep worry, until he manages to compose himself, and he hopes mo ran is distracted enough not to notice too much. by the time they reach the stall, laden with sweets, he's at least settled his mind. ]

You don't like sweets. [ he's learned over the years that mo ran prefers his food spicier, sharper, and generally avoids the sweet pastries. and the ones they have here tend to be even sweeter. he frowns at mo ran briefly, despite that innocent smile, then looks at the sweets, picking out a couple of pastries that look tasty and the small candied apples, then asks the owner if they have anything spicy, or at least not too sweet. when they point out some fruit spiced with chili powder— what a ridiculous waste, chu wanning thinks— he adds that to the order, hoping something might appeal to his disciple. ]

[zhanmadao]

[ his pain is thick, but it's not thick enough to block out the wave of emotions from chu wanning's, most of which mo ran can't start to understand. of course he'd be worried, but why the sting of annoyance? because he gave his medicine away? yet his mentor always taught him selflessness and mo ran has changed in those five years, has learnt to be truly generous. shouldn't chu wanning be somewhat proud?

and yet that last feeling washes everything else away with how much it startles mo ran: jealousy. it's an undercurrent, like the low buzz right before the booming of a thunder, mo ran can feel it building it up, twisting in his guts. can... their bond be broken? can it not work properly? mo ran is dumbfounded for a moment: he doesn't think chu wanning capable of feeling jealousy. about what, even? he is perfect.

but he's startled out of his doubts by the older man's words and he smiles, too pleased. he indeed doesn't like sweets --how does chu wanning remember that? his dimples turn deep with how wide his smile is, sweeter than the food of the stall. he steps ahead when the other orders the chili fruit, feeling his distaste for it. ]

Ah, actually, are those osmathus cakes? I'd like those better than the fruit. [ he tells the stall owner, once again lying. he can't taste anything with that constant blood in his mouth, it'd be a waste to spend money over something chu wanning doesn't like.

he prepares the coins and pays before his teacher has the chance to, after allowing the merchant to give the bags with the neatly arranged sweets to chu wanning. ]

Let's go find some place to sit down. [ he suggests, leading the way in the packed streets of the harbor so that chu wanning can walk behind him and avoid most of the people, knowing he doesn't like the crowd at all. he finds a bench in a spot where they can see the ships, relatively quiet, and he sits down first. ] Is there anything else we were supposed to buy? [ he's pretending on purpose he can't remember they should buy another mattress --maybe if he doesn't address it, nor will his teacher and they can keep sharing a bed... ]

[rumination]

[ under normal circumstances, chu wanning might have pushed back on that. or huffed and walked off, ashamed at being caught not being right, even though he was so sure mo ran would like something spicy. but despite having composed his mind somewhat, he's still flustered, even more when the pleased feeling comes through the bond. and mo ran does move swiftly, which leaves him standing there, collecting the bags from the merchant as mo ran pays for the snacks.

when did mo ran get so quick to act? isn't it shameless for a teacher to allow his disciple to pay for everything? at least he can make mo ran eat the sweets, although chu wanning suspects he has little appreciation for the subtleties of osmanthus cake, not when he prefers the sting of spice. is mo ran trying to impress someone?

chu wanning follows him out of the shop quietly, trying and failing not to think of his earlier words. gave the medicine to a friend. she needed it more. but the more he tries not to think about it, the louder the thoughts grow. thankfully, mo ran hasn't yet tried to read his thoughts, or at least nothing too intense has bled through because all he'd find are the questions about what it meant and the implications.

finally sitting down pulls him out of his thoughts somewhat, to the point where he can focus on the pastries, and he shoves a bag at mo ran. ] No. Nothing else. [ there is: the mattress. but chu wanning doesn't want to talk about that now. doesn't want to think about what another mattress would mean. mo ran sleeping away from him. possibly not coming back until late. mingling with other people. making friends. finding a— a wife. humph. chu wanning scowls, annoyance seeping through the bond again before he manages to rope that back. mo ran's far too young, and there is still much for him to learn. not even xue zhengyong would start talking about mo ran finding a wife yet, and he's romantic enough that he wants everyone settled and happy.

mo ran surely has to know that. maybe it was just a kind, innocent gesture like chu wanning taught his disciples. and chu wanning is an old man, he doesn't need to be worked up over his disciple helping someone, even if it is a girl.

somehow, logic is cold comfort. ]

Well. Eat up. I'll get you more medicine tomorrow.

[zhanmadao]

Nothing else... [ he mutters to himself, biting on his lips to hide his smile, as if it isn't followed by a surge of satisfaction that can be made out. mo ran tries to think about anything else to push down that feeling before chu wanning can find it, but he keeps going back to it. does that mean that they're still allowed to rest together? that chu wanning doesn't mind, since mo ran is so warm? even if he always gets up first and mo ran had been wondering if maybe the older man wasn't much comfortable, maybe because of the lack of space.

but if he doesn't mention the mattress, maybe it's not so bad.

mo ran can feel the surge of annoyance seeping through and he glances at his teacher, wondering if he's displeased about the stall not having enough of his favorite sweets. he does fish in the bag to get a caramelized apple, since the tartness of the fruit will make the sugar more bearable. he's sucking and licking at the smooth surface so it thins and he can get a bite of the apple when chu wanning speaks and mo ran finally understands the source of the annoyance --or so he believes. ]

I'm sorry I gave it away and made you mad, shizun. [ he apologizes softly, lips pinker because of the pigment mixed with the sugar. ] Her cough was really worse than mine back then, so I gave her some of the berries I was picking to remove the aftertaste and the medicine. She didn't want to take it at first, she's a good meimei. [ he smiles. nevermind he doesn't know her age, but because of his protective instinct anyone he likes is instantly younger. he finally bites into the apple with a crunch, sucking at the juice and wiping the trickle from the corner of his mouth with his knuckles. ] The pain isn't unbearable. [ yet it's not even easy and it gets harder to fall asleep. but the truth is that he feels he deserves it, so it's likely he won't use the medicine at all if chu wanning doesn't force him to. ]

[rumination]

[ knowing there are enough sweets that mo ran can't eat them all, chu wanning does grab one of the osmanthus cakes, nibbling at the edge before mo ran speaks. once he starts, chu wanning glances at him from the corner of his eyes, momentarily distracted by the pinkness of his lips, the softness of his eyes. mo ran's always been handsome but he looks even more charming like this.

the girl, the good meimei, she's probably beautiful, just like shi mei. pretty enough for mo ran. and he gave her berries, not just the medicine. which again, is a logical thing to do, if it helps with the medicine or the blood and flowers, but chu wanning can't see beyond the burning jealousy in his heart. mo ran never gave him berries!

(but mo ran has been making their meals, and he might not always include a dessert but he makes sure chu wanning has sweets sometimes. like now.)

he sulks, taking another bite of the cake, glaring at it as he chews, the thoughts in his head out of control and getting louder and louder until he's convinced mo ran is going to up and simply leave him, go off with this girl. it's fine; mo ran deserves to be happy. he's a good disciple, grown into his talent. he doesn't need chu wanning. doesn't need chu wanning's temper and deplorable personality.

but even the despondency that comes with those thoughts can't hide the jealousy or the thoughts in his head about the girl, and mo ran giving her medicine. it's unbecoming of him, but he stews in it. ]

I'll pick up more. [ it sounds petulant to his ears like he's a sulky child, but it really comes out strict and harsher than necessary. he's not going to let mo ran suffer on his watch, even if he is jealous and terrible. ] Who taught you to talk back like that?

[ no one, likely. he isn't even really talking back. certainly nothing like he used to do when he was younger. ]

[zhanmadao]

[ he's starting to get a headache --his mind filling with a static, loud buzzing, growing in volume at the same time as mo ran feels something unpleasant twist in his chest. it doesn't come from him, which means this is likely chu wanning's displeasure with him, reaching him in this form. it's like a distorted voice echoing in the back of his mind and even if mo ran closes his eyes and presses the heel of his hand to his temple, he can't make out sentences at all. there are words, hissed in his ears --mentions of leaving, unbecoming, paired with twinges at his chest. is chu wanning really so mad at him?

the answer comes quickly when his teacher speaks again so harshly and mo ran recoils, because he can feel his voice in his head, as much as hears it. he can only assume it's because chu wanning is feeling so strongly.

mo ran turns to face him more, lowers his head, long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. he looks like a kicked puppy. he really wasn't talking back --he simply didn't want to give chu wanning more work, since he already seems so busy these days, disappearing for hours on end. ]

I'm sorry, shizun. I was ungrateful and I made you waste time, looking for the medicine. This disciple isn't good-- [ maybe it's because of the surge of feelings, because he wonders if chu wanning finds him a burden, that his coughing reprises and he turns away. no matter mo ran's hand pressing against his mouth, petals slip through his fingers and blood stains between them. ]

[rumination]

[ despite the thoughts in his head and the fear that mo ran will leave him for this new friend and the sharp jealously blooming in his gut, when mo ran starts coughing again, chu wanning straightens up, digging out his handkerchief and passing it to mo ran. there's no hiding the petals and it looks gruesome, as bad as anything chu wanning's seen.

the library has proven futile so far and there's nothing else he can do; watching his disciple wither away coughing up flowers, helpless to help him, makes chu wanning feel even worse, but that's a feeling he's aware of and used to, and can put it aside as he leans in closer, listening to mo ran's breathing through the coughs, so he can report to the healer when he goes asking for medicine. and he will make sure mo ran uses it this time, even if he has to oversee the use himself. ]

Stop talking nonsense. [ not that mo ran can talk, even. should chu wanning pat him on the back? would that help? chu wanning doesn't touch people, usually. but this is a rare case, and mo ran won't likely say anything, so he reaches out and pats his back, gentler than he usually is. ] You did good, giving it to her. [ and he is proud of mo ran for that. ] I'll get more, and you'll take it.

[ and yes, that is a threat. ]

[ mo ran is not allowed to die from a stupid curse in this place. chu wanning won't let him. ]

[zhanmadao]

[ mo ran wouldn't really use his teacher's handkerchief fearing to stain it --but he just got harshly reprimanded for giving away something chu wanning got him. so he does take the handkerchief and wipes at his mouth, before pressing it against it at the next fit, finding some comfort in breathing the other's scent from the fabric, haitang chasing away the metallic blood smell.

he softens at the patting to his back and he turns to offer his teacher a tired smile, just his eyes showing above the hem of the handkerchief and yet bright and content enough to show his earnest appreciation. his coughing is over for the time being, it seems, and mo ran breathes deeply.

without much thought, with chu wanning so close, mo ran drops his hands to his lap and turns just enough to be able to lean his forehead against the older man's shoulder, shutting his eyes and inhaling his scent deeply, like it could cure him of everything. his exhaustion will likely seep through, together with the raw craving for warmth and comfort. he wants to tuck his face in his neck almost desperately and that will travel the bond. ]

Shizun will get more and I'll take it. [ he repeats, voice low and raspy. ] It needs to be rubbed into my back and chest, right? Will shizun help me out? Everything aches these days... [ he would never admit it, were he in his right mind. but he surely isn't, feeling vulnerable and awfully needy for any affection and closeness he may get. ]

[rumination]

[ nothing about chu wanning is gentle or soft or cuddly. no one turns to him to ask for comfort. but mo ran is, turning into him, leaning against him. chu wanning's shoulder burns where mo ran rests his forehead, and he can feel the exhaustion seeping in from mo ran.

it's been a long day for them, and mo ran's done most of the work— talking to shopkeepers because chu wanning can't, carrying bags (which his ridiculous disciple insisted upon), trying to figure out what would work in their house. it's time to rest.

the cravings for warmth and comfort, feelings chu wanning can recognize but firmly ignores his own need for, soften him. he's always been harder on mo ran because he couldn't acknowledge his feelings, but in truth, it was hard to deny him sometimes. and now, when he's sick, there's no possibility that chu wanning can ignore those feelings or be harsh on him. putting the cake back in its bag so that he can finish it later, chu wanning gently pats mo ran on the back once again. ] Yes, yes, I'll help you. [ he's not going to think about that. he's the most familiar person mo ran has, he wouldn't just go ask anyone to rub medicine into his back, and chu wanning shouldn't think about what it means that mo ran asked him. or how it means he'll see his back again, and that firm chest. ] Let's go back. You should rest.