logs | {suddenly, you lose your way and lose the thread.

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{suddenly, you lose your way and lose the thread.

WHO: Aspen, various
WHERE: Shadowlands, Stygia, and more
WHEN: December
WHAT: Catch-all log (event + general)
WARNINGS: Refer to Aspen's blanket warnings to be safe. Includes nonsexual descriptions of nudity (nude model thread.)

→ harbor

( in this white-out winter, a slender figure steps through the snow with dogged determination. aspen acts like the wind doesn't really bother him, and in a sense, it doesn't - these winters are not unlike the ones he's witnessed in petir. he's missed them - in a sense that he hasn't seen snow for almost two years. he's been so used to rains that he almost forgot that most places got snow instead of flooding. while most seem to be bundled up and bustling, aspen enjoys the snowflakes dancing in the air and some that stick to his cheeks and lashes. that, however, doesn't mean he doesn't take notice when some people are freezing their tails off.

as he unlocks the side entrance to his still-remodeling shop, he calls - )

If you're cold, you can come in here for a reprieve.

( aspen's expression isn't as cheery as it usually is - even as he rustles and flaps his wings to knock the frost off of his feathers, there's something heavy hanging in the air about him. he pushes his braid out of his coat so it falls over his shoulder like usual, setting down the coat that he'd kept over his clothes. he's traded in pastels for darker blues and blacks, and he heads to the stone counter - opening the side gate so he stands behind the counter and starts taking care of the plants and walls of powders, tonics, and salves he has stashed away. )

What are you doing out here, if I may ask? You're not going to cross the sea, are you? If you get knocked off the ship, who knows if you'll freeze or not at this point - ghk...

( he covers his mouth as he coughs up a few flower petals, his sigh melding with an exhausted wheeze. he shakes his head with disappointment. )

Apologies.

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[The coins come back to him, but he doesn’t take them. Instead, he takes the vial and puts it somewhere beneath the cape.

And still doesn’t touch the coins. Will he leave it there? Yes. It is simply how he is, paying the full price without negotiation, or paying more than necessary.

He finds value in other people’s hard work.]

A flask, if you have one.

I do.

( he turns to the shelves behind him. some ingredients are stocked, but most of the shelves house dried flowers, herbs, liquids of varying hues, and differently colored powders. underneath all of that and at aspen's level is a small icebox. he uses a copper shaker to meld a dose of honey, tumeric, cinnamon and a splash of milk together. that concentrated brew is the base for which he adds more milk and begins to heat it up for, whilst tying the recipe on a cord around the flask's neck. )

This'll hold its warmth through the cold for a time.

... you're really going to overpay? ( he hefts a fond sigh. ) I'll take it as a donation...

Thank you.

[Like with the staff, his eyes lift again and carefully, studiously watch Aspen go about the process. The other things receive a passing glance, but his attention is on what Aspen is making currently more than anything.

As expected, he still doesn't take the money he left on the counter. His job is done here...]

Do you practice botany?

Hmm? ( he blinks at d curiously. ) Of course...? It is part and parcel of a green mage's study to strengthen their magic - the fundamentals, you could say. You can't cast anything without some knowledge in botany.

Granted, I study herbology the most, as my use for flora is largely medicinal. It is but a small corner underneath botany.

[Hmm. He peers at the flask momentarily, and then he again looks around Aspen's bud of a shop.]

It's commendable. [Maybe more so here when some of the plants are of this world and not familiar.] Healthcare and medicine are more valuable than knowing how to shed blood.

[He glances back at Aspen.]

Do you need anything for your shop?

( ... quiet - )

That's not...

( aspen falters in speech, for once. he sets the flask on the counter and for a few moments, he doesn't seem to move. something unbidden comes up inside of him. )

You're wrong. You end up useless and watch people die when you could've prevented it, had you the strength to fight and kill.

( he looks at d straight in the eye. )

I wish I could. Kill.

[He looks back, expression not apologetic, or ashamed, or worried he said the wrong thing.]

I know how to kill very well, but there have been many, many people I was never able to save. I watched them die even knowing how to fight.

You should be kinder to yourself. There is a lot of strength in healing and in working with medicine. The people who do live: they can't live a comfortable life without people like you.

( he shakes his head firmly. )

And is that enough? Medicine and healing is good, but what use is it if one can't protect themselves or others?

I'm not standing here hoping to throw this all away, but I recognize the futility of healing when those who wish for healing have already passed. It's not - this isn't more valuable.

[Again, he watches Aspen, though this time he is quiet for a long handful of moments.]

You may have all the skill in the world to protect yourself and others, but people will die anyway.

[This talk is not a first for D to hear, though. There have been plenty of people to tell him the same thing, plenty of humans. To believe in it so fully, like Aspen. So instead of rehashing the same song and dance for an hour, he asks:]

Who did you lose?

( aspen flinches sharply, staring at d with wide wet eyes as been struck across his delicate face.

and then he scrunches his face up, turning his gaze down and hunching slight shoulders. )

Who didn't I lose.

( he mumbles miserably, at least glad that the cough that follows sounds very shallow. )

My lovers. Myself. My people, my parents. All died to the hands of slavers who wanted my people as property, and would kill anyone who stood in their way. Medicine does not stop an attempt of genocide.

[He’s quiet again while Aspen speaks. Even if his expression changes little, there is a slightly softness of sympathy to his eyes.

His experience is a bit different. (Barring all the danger on the Frontier.) Slavers didn’t take the kind people he knew. Time did. Time always took them, and no amount of killing power could ever help him stop that.]

Now, before you came here, who did you have left?

( who did he have left, before he died?

aspen hesitated. wisteria died. aza died. he'd been the last one of their trio to die. )

I... don't know. I didn't have time to check the bodies.

( had cress died? his stomach twists into knots. what about raziel? )

The attack that claimed my life took many others. It all happened so fast, I - I don't know who was left. If Wisteria was fighting... then Raziel was likely also killed, as he would've been fighting to protect the palace... Cress may be the only one left. My advisor. Winds guide me, Cress is not - ( he stammers, shaking his head minutely. ) E-even more than me, their grudge against humanity runs deep.

I’m sorry.

[First of all. The loss, Aspen’s own life aside. It doesn’t bother him he hadn’t know ; he wouldn’t have without speaking to Aspen as he is now.]

So you may have had someone left. [Even without the ability to kill.] Hate is a seed that burrows deep.

Well -

Imagine if the people closest to you, who championed the rights of vampires and humans working together, or that humans should be kinder to vampires - or any of that... imagine if they were killed by the people you most distrust.

Would you not have reason to distrust and hate them further?

[His eyes look over Aspen’s face slowly, considering.]

I think it’s different for me, but I can understand what you’re saying. What do you think became of the one who was left behind?

Cress...

( there's a definite sadness to the way aspen says his name, a gentle fondness and a light scolding. )

I hesitate to say it, even though I know it to be true - but they are more prone to violence, particularly against humans. I think if they were to come face to face with the slaver that took our lives... they might just stab first, and that may save their life. And if so, I can't help but feel as if they might rally the rest of our people to raze the humans permanently. They have never been shy about their grudge.

That is - I know you may not believe me given my badmouthing of humanity, but that is not something I would approve of. It only perpetuates the cycle.

[Firstly:] I believe you. [It’s earnest, without platitude or placating. Though he doesn’t say anything more afterward for some time. As if he’s considering.

But he doesn’t look away from Aspen as he thinks it over.]

Have you ever discussed this with them?

( no.

aspen purses his lips. )

Is this my failing? ( the question is just as honest, wanting to know if he perhaps should have curbed this behavior. )

I can’t tell you the answer to that.

[It isn’t his place to judge much less put into someone else’s head a guilty conscience.It could have turned out the same even if Aspen had opened the discussion.

Hurt and anger and revenge are very powerful forces.]

They may reconsider their actions if they ever heard or saw your understanding concerning humans. If you were as important to them as they are to you. I believe they might think about what you would have wanted for everyone.

But only if they knew.

( it's something he has to mull over, and maybe alone. he raises his gaze to d and shakes his head. )

Thank you. I didn't mean to talk your ear off about something like this. I haven't met anyone from my world yet, and I hope... I hope that means good things. I do truly hope that Cress isn't doing something like that, and as you say - that they took into consideration my stance. They knew I was not intent on keeping the barrier to humans indefinitely. Perhaps that might soften their rage.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you.

I don’t mind.

[He sympathizes with Aspen’s plight regardless of the outcome of humans in that world. Sure, he is fond of them, but, being half of two very different worlds, he understands there is always another side.]

I’m sorry. I don’t have any answers to help you. Though I don’t mind listening. I still believe it’s fortunate you are able to provide others with a little hope for living.

( he sighs, and then shakes his head again with a soft smile. arms crossed, he leans heavy against the counter. )

I didn't mean it - that this is useless. I could never.

I just... I suppose I'm tired of feeling helpless because I can't do battle. I studied this to help. I do want people to be healthy, to live in comfort, and I recognize that this is my best option with my magic and my aptitide.

Well, illiteracy notwithstanding.

( this may explain why there are few to no words around in the shop. )

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{suddenly, you lose your way and lose the thread.

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