logs | d | a november catchall

（ well, that's a kick to her self-esteem. if you have no one else. her gaze cuts away, and her jaw sets. she's better at concealing her emotions than she used to be, but every once in a while the vulnerability cuts through the plate steel she's built up around herself. there's a part of her that's always felt as if she's difficult to care for, be around, exacerbated probably too much to be rationally explained away by sasuke's leaving — she's tried to shape herself into someone pleasant and pleasing and easy to get along with, but.

at the end of the day, she's still alone, isn't she? ）

You could make it seem a little less like a prison sentence, you know.

（ it's a tired, self-deprecating jibe, said as she puts the lid carefully back on that food. she's suddenly not hungry at all. instead, she just launches right back into work. ）

What are the ingredients you need for your pills?

[Again, he studies her face for some time. She really immediately gets back to work, doesn't she? It feels like... she is covering up the scars, the vulnerabilities. Mostly because it's how he typically does it when needling questions are posed to him by nosy humans.

But he doubles-back for a moment.]

It is, [he admits.] It would be. I won't lie to you. I think... you are too beautiful as a human to add any more onto yourself after what you may have been through. You don't have to wear those things like badges to prove you can shoulder more things that are terrible. If you don't mind me saying.

But I think you're strong enough to do it regardless.

[He is unfortunately very blunt.]

I need the data for a viable plasma replica, a laboratory to work with, something like saline, glucose, and the dried lipids. It isn't for nutrients. It's only to satisfy an urge.

（ she stares at him a moment in clear and apparent shock quickly subsumed by the seismic stir of vivid anger. her the pen is set aside, and she drums her fingers once on the pad of paper. with all the fury of a storm deferred, captured like lightning in a bottle: ）

I do mind, actually.

（ his words are pretty poetry, but it just reminds her of the dance they shared, the way his steps had felt like they boxed her in. couching his words in comments on her beauty, as if it's in any way responsible for her strength. whether it was meant like that or not, it's the meaning it would have held in her world, and it's the one she plucks out of the contextual mire between them.

she can feel the press of her shadow against her hard-won restraint, like flame licking at her skin. she shouldn't be angry. he's trying to be kind. understanding. but her shadow murmurs, wɑƞƞɑ sɦσw ɦiɱ wɦɑt 'stɾσƞg eƞσugɦ' ɾeɑllʮ ɱeɑƞs? she can almost feel the curl of a phantom hand at her shoulder, the acrimonious gust of breath at her ear. her chakra feels wintrous, veins scored with ice.

later, she'll be appalled at how strongly she wanted to hurt him.

(breathe, haruno.) ）

I can get us access to a laboratory. How long will it take?

[He sits there as impassively as always, simply gazing at her without being afraid to meet her eyes, not knowing how close he has come to being punched back to the Shadowlands.

He would correct the misunderstanding if he knew, to preserve his strange, knightly sort of code. At his core, he is only very compassionate about humans retaining what makes them beautiful: being human. Living with their convictions, having the opportunity to be normal, to have love and families, and even to die. She isn’t much different than human Hunters on the Frontier. They have the choice to not live that life, he thinks, not like him.

His words could have been miles better, of course. All he can say is,]

I’m sorry.

[But people already have hated him for a long time for what he is, and he has no qualms with being straightforward.]

I don’t know. It depends on what we have at our disposal.

Mm.

（ if he'd done anything other than apologize, she might have exploded. she's left feeling a little like she's stepped off over an invisible cliff, that jarring sensation of having no solid ground beneath your foot when you expected to find strong purchase. as it is, his lack of an open challenge has left her with all this pent-up anger and nowhere for it to go. she closes her eyes briefly, presses her fingers to her temples and then chases it back into the roiling dark. ）

These facilities are fairly state of the art. I don't know what you're accustomed to in your world, but they're about fifteen or twenty years more advanced than what we have in my world. Without knowing exactly what you r process is like, with the ingredients you've mentioned... the plasma will be the most difficult thing, the rest should follow easily. I could do it in three days.

（ it's a confident declaration, offset by her own cautious nature. it's not as if she can't do it, it's just a matter of when. ）

[Honestly, he thinks he has overstayed his welcome, and he almost just excuses himself. It isn’t as if they can’t continue this conversation another time while they are in Hale.

But it feels a little impolite. For now, he doesn’t get up yet.]

I can use what they have, or engineer it to work the way I need it to. You don’t have to worry. I can show you if you’re that interested, but this is something I’ve made for myself for a long time.

[Will she take this the wrong way too? He doesn’t want her to feel as if his comfort is resting on her shoulders alone.]

I appreciate your willingness to help.

（ d: will be polite even if it kills him.

she gives him a sideways glance, and then tucks her hair back over one ear where it's come loose from its slightly off-centered tail. now that the anger is burnt away to nothing, she just feels worn thin and tired, the slightly jittery soreness that follows coming down from a surge of adrenaline. ）

You don't have to keep saying that, you know?

（ the general sentiment, that effusive gratitude. ）

I want to help you.

[Yes...

He lowers his eyes beneath his lashes momentarily before looking up at her again. Like it's a bow of apology.] I know. [Very slowly, he pulls himself up into a stand. He situates the hat on top of his head again, but doesn't move away.]

I'll be in Hale whenever you're ready. You don't have to rush to leave your clinic. I'm not in a hurry to make them. I'd like to take my time.

[The need is pressing, but the execution doesn't have to be speedran.]

It's nice, by the way. Your clinic.

（ you, sir, are goddamn infuriating. sakura blows out a breath, but joins him in standing, not quite sure what to do with her hands.

infuriating, yes, but there's something about his kindness that threatens to drown her in the ocean of it all. kindness isn't inherent. it's learned, and often through great hardship — it takes work, to exist, to live, and be kind when the world (every world, she thinks, not just her own) is at its core an uncaring place, chaos wrapped in cruelty. it's up to people to make it better. sometimes they do, and sometimes they fail.

she looks at him a long moment, and then reaches up to straighten his hat just a touch. ）

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. But I want you to know, your company would never be a hardship. （ then, aiming for a bit of levity — ） Even if sometimes I really want to throw you in the bay.

[He accepts the look with silence, not thinking too much of it (aside from her being Done with him), and he's surprised a little when she bothers to adjust the hat. Will he habitually pull it down over his eyes more later as he leaves and ruin it? Probably.

Really ought to throw him in the bay.]

It would be an injustice to you when you have to fish me out afterward.

[A... joke.......????

His expression doesn't change and neither does the inflection of his voice. So who is to say... He turns and ducks low to be able to pass through the doorway without taking himself out at the head. But he waits politely on the other side...? To be lead out.]

（ for now, the bay is Pending.

it pends.

ominously. ）

Who says I'd fish you out?

（ obviously she would, but that's said with a trace of the mischievousness missing from the main bulk of their alarmingly fraught conversation this evening.

she even loops her arm in his, and guides him out. ）

Give me a few days and I'll have that plasma replica for you. After that we just need the lab equipment, that should be easy enough.

（ local woman, 19½, unfortunately lacking the gift of foresight doesn't realize that in a scant few days she's going to be punching guards in an underground jail... but that's neither here nor there. ）

[She'd let him drown and that would be the most fair thing. He is acting as if he can't swim when it's not the case, but the joke was there to take.

He allows himself to be lead out by the arm while also not realizing in a few days he would be half-naked and locked away inside of prison. Honestly. Arrest him for trying to break into the Palace to keep Laurent from getting in trouble, but don't arrest him for no reason.]

Hale's equipment should suffice, but I'm going to check Mirth as well.

[Well... He was going to.]

Okay.

（ they reach the limits of her little territory, and she stops at the threshold of the canvas tent like... well, like a vampire who hasn't been given leave to cross. ）

Don't be a stranger, okay?

[Sakura, your future D vampire curse. He pauses just long enough to tip his head at her politely in acknowledgement and farewell.

And then he turns away and departs.]

d | a november catchall

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