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d | a november catchall
WHO: d & others
WHERE: stygia mostly probably
WHEN: nov.
WHAT: general meetups, notice board things, etc.
WARNINGS: me freezing spoon's comment so i can laugh every time i see it, reference to csa (laurent), snake imagery (augustine)
OOC plotting post
WHERE: stygia mostly probably
WHEN: nov.
WHAT: general meetups, notice board things, etc.
WARNINGS: me freezing spoon's comment so i can laugh every time i see it, reference to csa (laurent), snake imagery (augustine)
no subject
The darkest parts inside of him are something he never talks about with anyone. The only knowledgeable ones of it are himself and the symbiote in his left hand. And now the Shadow, and now... perhaps Cedrik who has seen a small piece of memory of his childhood when he was locked away in a laboratory as an experiment. It may not be long when he runs out of opportunities to not talk about himself because of the force of this place.]
I have been alive for a long time, [he starts with in his quiet voice. The age alone could potentially wither her. The heaviness of it.] And I am very dangerous.
[Sakura won't ever understand truly unless she experiences it, but he's wary. It's because he is kind, and decent, and cares about others that he is worried for her willingness to do something so intimate.]
You know I'm not human. If you are connected to me, you will be connected to both parts. It may not be much different than if I had bitten you. That's how the Kiss of the Nobility works. The bitten become harmonized with the siring vampire. You share thoughts, emotions, sometimes memories. You heed each other's call.
[He is quiet again for a long moment, as if reluctant.]
Being connected to me means you will also be a monster, too.
no subject
Are you asking me?
no subject
...Not necessarily. I assumed you had been asking me. [But also:] I was explaining why it was not a good idea.
no subject
the truth is, she's done her best not to think about it. keep busy, keep isolated, shift her focus to the people around her so she doesn't have to think about how achingly lonely she feels. it's a familiar holding pattern for her. if she can only do enough...
her fingers twitch, curving in against her palm, pressing little half-moon indents of her blunted nails until they leave silver marks like old scars. ）
I was speaking generally — but I'm not averse, for the record.
（ why does saying that feel so much like giving up? the logician in her recognizes that there are benefits to it that can't be ignored, especially after what she's heard from some of the others. sasuke has made his position plain, and she doesn't want to hurt naruto by offering such a thing to him. it would be so terribly cruel, after all the ways she's misused his feelings over the years...
of all the people she's met here, she's the most comfortable with d. he makes her feel respected, listened to. he even likes being around her, maybe, and it's a little sad how much credence that lends, how hungry she is for someone to just do more than tolerate her company. she enjoys being around him in a way that's simple and clear-cut, lacking the complicated tethers of her youth.
and...
there's nothing inherently or necessarily romantic about the bond. it can be purely about mutual benefit.
maybe sasuke would notice her then. ）
But — besides that. Having a part of yourself that's awful, that's monstrous, that doesn't define you. All the most monstrous people I've ever met have been human, or near enough. People who have tortured others, murdered just for fun, who are content to send children to their deaths in wars because that's how it's always been. I don't care what other people think of you, what you think of yourself, or what it's like living with these vampiric urges of yours. I've killed people because it was an assigned mission bartered by a government in service to the highest bidder. How is that any less monstrous than an urge to kill to survive?
（ she says that with a little lift of her chin, half-daring him to argue her point. she's relying on what she knows of vampires from augustine a little — aware her picture may not be complete, but hoping it's enough to clearly delineate her stance on the matter. ）
I am not afraid of you. I've fought madmen and gods and people who have toppled empires. If you treat me one more time like I need to have the concept of what's monstrous explained to me like I'm a child, I'm going to punch you so hard you'll wake up in the wasteland. Do I make myself perfectly clear?
no subject
Plenty of people try to convince him they are perfectly fine being close to him. Actually, people have done that here more than any other people he's ever met.
His eyes watch her face as she speaks; his expression isn't offended, or angry. What she's saying, the explanation, the threats and all, he accepts with the same dignity he'd give her or anyone else. Whatever she's been through, he doesn't judge it, and he doesn't try to pry unnecessarily.]
Yes.
[To answer her question, first of all. He... really isn't afraid of her, or her strength. He doesn't think she's weak by any means. But he isn't afraid of any fight; there is a quiet confidence in himself he doesn't brag about.]
I know you understand it isn't a decision to be made rashly. [Her network question was evidence enough.] I never intended to make any kind of contractual partnership with a human. In theory, I believed it would be dangerous for their psyche. I think... there are better people here suited to help you still. However.
If you realize later you are struggling and have no one else, I will consider it if you're consenting.
["I'm not averse, for the record."]
no subject
at the end of the day, she's still alone, isn't she? ）
You could make it seem a little less like a prison sentence, you know.
（ it's a tired, self-deprecating jibe, said as she puts the lid carefully back on that food. she's suddenly not hungry at all. instead, she just launches right back into work. ）
What are the ingredients you need for your pills?
no subject
But he doubles-back for a moment.]
It is, [he admits.] It would be. I won't lie to you. I think... you are too beautiful as a human to add any more onto yourself after what you may have been through. You don't have to wear those things like badges to prove you can shoulder more things that are terrible. If you don't mind me saying.
But I think you're strong enough to do it regardless.
[He is unfortunately very blunt.]
I need the data for a viable plasma replica, a laboratory to work with, something like saline, glucose, and the dried lipids. It isn't for nutrients. It's only to satisfy an urge.
no subject
I do mind, actually.
（ his words are pretty poetry, but it just reminds her of the dance they shared, the way his steps had felt like they boxed her in. couching his words in comments on her beauty, as if it's in any way responsible for her strength. whether it was meant like that or not, it's the meaning it would have held in her world, and it's the one she plucks out of the contextual mire between them.
she can feel the press of her shadow against her hard-won restraint, like flame licking at her skin. she shouldn't be angry. he's trying to be kind. understanding. but her shadow murmurs, wɑƞƞɑ sɦσw ɦiɱ wɦɑt 'stɾσƞg eƞσugɦ' ɾeɑllʮ ɱeɑƞs? she can almost feel the curl of a phantom hand at her shoulder, the acrimonious gust of breath at her ear. her chakra feels wintrous, veins scored with ice.
later, she'll be appalled at how strongly she wanted to hurt him.
(breathe, haruno.) ）
I can get us access to a laboratory. How long will it take?
no subject
He would correct the misunderstanding if he knew, to preserve his strange, knightly sort of code. At his core, he is only very compassionate about humans retaining what makes them beautiful: being human. Living with their convictions, having the opportunity to be normal, to have love and families, and even to die. She isn’t much different than human Hunters on the Frontier. They have the choice to not live that life, he thinks, not like him.
His words could have been miles better, of course. All he can say is,]
I’m sorry.
[But people already have hated him for a long time for what he is, and he has no qualms with being straightforward.]
I don’t know. It depends on what we have at our disposal.
no subject
（ if he'd done anything other than apologize, she might have exploded. she's left feeling a little like she's stepped off over an invisible cliff, that jarring sensation of having no solid ground beneath your foot when you expected to find strong purchase. as it is, his lack of an open challenge has left her with all this pent-up anger and nowhere for it to go. she closes her eyes briefly, presses her fingers to her temples and then chases it back into the roiling dark. ）
These facilities are fairly state of the art. I don't know what you're accustomed to in your world, but they're about fifteen or twenty years more advanced than what we have in my world. Without knowing exactly what you r process is like, with the ingredients you've mentioned... the plasma will be the most difficult thing, the rest should follow easily. I could do it in three days.
（ it's a confident declaration, offset by her own cautious nature. it's not as if she can't do it, it's just a matter of when. ）
no subject
But it feels a little impolite. For now, he doesn’t get up yet.]
I can use what they have, or engineer it to work the way I need it to. You don’t have to worry. I can show you if you’re that interested, but this is something I’ve made for myself for a long time.
[Will she take this the wrong way too? He doesn’t want her to feel as if his comfort is resting on her shoulders alone.]
I appreciate your willingness to help.
no subject
she gives him a sideways glance, and then tucks her hair back over one ear where it's come loose from its slightly off-centered tail. now that the anger is burnt away to nothing, she just feels worn thin and tired, the slightly jittery soreness that follows coming down from a surge of adrenaline. ）
You don't have to keep saying that, you know?
（ the general sentiment, that effusive gratitude. ）
I want to help you.
no subject
He lowers his eyes beneath his lashes momentarily before looking up at her again. Like it's a bow of apology.] I know. [Very slowly, he pulls himself up into a stand. He situates the hat on top of his head again, but doesn't move away.]
I'll be in Hale whenever you're ready. You don't have to rush to leave your clinic. I'm not in a hurry to make them. I'd like to take my time.
[The need is pressing, but the execution doesn't have to be speedran.]
It's nice, by the way. Your clinic.
no subject
infuriating, yes, but there's something about his kindness that threatens to drown her in the ocean of it all. kindness isn't inherent. it's learned, and often through great hardship — it takes work, to exist, to live, and be kind when the world (every world, she thinks, not just her own) is at its core an uncaring place, chaos wrapped in cruelty. it's up to people to make it better. sometimes they do, and sometimes they fail.
she looks at him a long moment, and then reaches up to straighten his hat just a touch. ）
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. But I want you to know, your company would never be a hardship. （ then, aiming for a bit of levity — ） Even if sometimes I really want to throw you in the bay.
no subject
Really ought to throw him in the bay.]
It would be an injustice to you when you have to fish me out afterward.
[A... joke.......????
His expression doesn't change and neither does the inflection of his voice. So who is to say... He turns and ducks low to be able to pass through the doorway without taking himself out at the head. But he waits politely on the other side...? To be lead out.]
no subject
it pends.
ominously. ）
Who says I'd fish you out?
（ obviously she would, but that's said with a trace of the mischievousness missing from the main bulk of their alarmingly fraught conversation this evening.
she even loops her arm in his, and guides him out. ）
Give me a few days and I'll have that plasma replica for you. After that we just need the lab equipment, that should be easy enough.
（ local woman, 19½, unfortunately lacking the gift of foresight doesn't realize that in a scant few days she's going to be punching guards in an underground jail... but that's neither here nor there. ）
no subject
He allows himself to be lead out by the arm while also not realizing in a few days he would be half-naked and locked away inside of prison. Honestly. Arrest him for trying to break into the Palace to keep Laurent from getting in trouble, but don't arrest him for no reason.]
Hale's equipment should suffice, but I'm going to check Mirth as well.
[Well... He was going to.]
no subject
（ they reach the limits of her little territory, and she stops at the threshold of the canvas tent like... well, like a vampire who hasn't been given leave to cross. ）
Don't be a stranger, okay?
no subject
And then he turns away and departs.]