logs | d | a november catchall

I've done some research in Hale, but plan to return.

[Maybe he goes back only to find out he can't GET INSIDE because of the damn curse. That'd be funny honestly. Also, SAKURA DON'T JUST OFFER YOUR BLOOD. He can't reject this unlike everything else because he's growing a tad desperate here.] If Hale has the technology, I don't require a physical sample to work with. As long as I have the data, I can make an imitation. [Well. They'll need the sample initially, but he won't need it afterward.

If Hale comes through.

Slowly, his lips pull thin.] Soon. [He's... managing it. But. As soon as possible.]

We can go together. Two heads, and all. Plus, they may be receptive to a medical professional asking, or more willing to work with me or let me use their equipment.

（ then, a deep breath. that soon is... worrying, as is the way he seems to be drawn taut in saying it, and so. ）

Please forgive my asking. Does this... hunger, render you insensible when it's strong enough...?

If you'd like.

[Typically, he always does things alone... It's not he distrusts the skills of other people (sometimes), but he doesn't want them to get hurt on his account, to be caught up in the things he's trying to do. But Sakura probably isn't going to be harmed going to Hale.

His lashes lower briefly over his eyes before he looks back up.]

Not entirely, [he admits, voice soft.] But it can. I could feasibly withstand it... if something else here wasn't also in play.

[The Shadow.]

（ her gaze slides to him, and then away. she focuses briefly on a little figurine she's put on her desk of a slug, painted to look like katsuyu. she's had that connection for so long now that she didn't realize how much she'd miss her.

her jaw works off to one side, a muscle ticking along the sharp cut of the bone, and then: ）

I'm not only a doctor. （ she trusts him. it's strange to consider, but no less true for all that. there are only a small handful of people she's met so far she'd even consider saying this aloud to, but it may happen that there's an actual, deliberate need here.

she closes her eyes briefly, exhales. ） I'm also a shinobi. In my world, we train from childhood. One of the things I'm good at are sealing and restraint techniques. So... if it comes to that, I could help.

（ she knows he's powerful — less in terms of what he's done and more in terms of how he is. she knows how people act when there is something within themselves they've had to contain — but he's subject to just the same limitations as she is in this world, and with the byakugou in reserve she's plenty formidable enough. ）

I know it's not ideal, but... if it's something that would set your mind at ease, as a safeguard... then, I'm willing. Just as a last resort — obviously, making these pills would be preferable, and we can absolutely focus our energy there. I just don't want you to feel like there's a risk that can't be mitigated.

[Quiet, he follows her gaze toward the figurine to look at it with her. The only time he finally glances at her again is when she starts speaking.

So she does know Naruto, and perhaps he's one of the people Sakura wouldn't tell him about before. He doesn't pursue it because they're no point. For their world, it could not mean great things maybe.

But he's still glad she isn't here alone. For what it's worth, he doesn't say anything at all about her being a shinobi, though he can tell it's information she is pressed to admit. He understands. He really just accepts her saying she's a ninja...]

I'll take it into consideration. [This is offered earnestly. He's not opposed to a contingency plan.] What does it entail? The techniques.

There's one I've designed myself... it involves using my chakra to put a seal on someone, which I can then activate at a command. When active, the seal binds them with my chakra. It's something that would be difficult to break out of.

（ she hasn't even named it yet, it's still so new. she'd just been finalizing it in her regular bouts with ino, right before... well. ）

But I know that it's a bit invasive. The seal wouldn't be... permanent, necessarily, but it would only be able to removed by either myself or another expert in sealing techniques. The good news is that it could only be activated by my chakra alone, so it couldn't be weaponized by anyone else at least. But it's a lot of trust to put in a relative stranger, so I understand if it wouldn't be to your preference.

Impressive.

[He makes it sound like this is something he very rarely says to anyone else; it's honest, however. Even without knowing the nuances of what she's describing, it matches with the strong energy he could always feel sort of culminating around her head.

He has a question, though.]

The voice inside of you. Do you think it would ever weaponize it?

[Would it ever consider weaponizing him?]

I think everyone wants to be able to say 'no' to that, wouldn't they?

（ she bites her lip, sets the food on her desk rather than in her lap and leans one elbow next to her pad of paper, fingers caught up in her hair. ）

To be perfectly honest with you, I have a lot of experience suppressing a part of myself that isn't... acceptable. （ it had never struck her as particularly odd, until ino commented on it during their chuunin exams. she'd thought everyone was like that to some extent, and it wasn't until later that she realized there was something strange about her own mind, her ability to break out of genjutsu and all the rest. even if she hasn't dealt with her inner self in years now, something of it persists. ） And I believe most of my Shadow's focus is going to be on other people. （ naruto, sasuke. it's worse and loudest around them, by far. ） But I'm starting to think more and more that the soulmate bond that that man spoke of is legitimate, and possibly even necessary. I can't guarantee at the moment it wouldn't harm you, but I suppose if I could forge one of those stabilizing bonds I could offer more assurances.

[Well, she's honest, and he appreciates that more than someone trying to tell them they have it under control. Which is hilarious considering that's exactly what he'd do... An idiot.]

Have you decided to look for any soulmates then?

[In truth, he also wasn't keen on the idea of it. But not because he thought it wasn't beneficial. Rather, he thinks he's a monster. There are better candidates? Though he's beginning to reconsider really. He's already wrestling with the vampire side of him. Now he must contend with a Shadow nearly the same?

It won't be easy.]

I don't think someone like me is someone you want a connection with.

Edited (my word) 2022-11-08 05:00 (UTC)

I —

（ she begins, and then closes her mouth with a frown. is she looking? or is she still sitting on the sidelines, hoping that sasuke will choose her? despite all evidence, despite all circumstance... despite knowing the only regard he's ever spared her has been grudging and fleeting. she's had to beg for everything from his attention to his affection, it's never been something he just gave her for giving's sake.

their discussion about naruto is never too far from her mind. she'd at least wanted him to acknowledge that she'd grown. that desire for external validation — from the men in her life who'd dismissed her — isn't something she's unaware of... it just seems to be something she can't stop herself from wanting. instead, he'd brushed right past it, seemed more annoyed than anything that she dared to have an opinion of her own.

she's told herself for so long that she's in love with him, that there's no possible path to any other life but one lived with him. but the adult in her knows the truth the girl could never say — they're strangers now. experiences shared as children were never enough to stitch them together, and sasuke... all he ever does is leave her. her brow furrows faintly, and she drags her hand the rest of the way through her hair, catching the tie on her fingers and tugging it free. she starts redoing it carefully, recapturing all the hair that had come free with the day's work. ）

I don't know.

（ she says finally, honestly. but that examination of her own hurts and upset is why she lifts her eyes to him and her tone sharpens at the next — ）

And just why wouldn't I? You're kind, and decent, and you care about others. You're a good person. And if you happen to have something within you that's monstrous, it doesn't mean you are. Tell me, exactly, why you think that wouldn't be enough for anyone?

[This makes him grow quiet. He continues to look at her, unwavering, unafraid to meet her gaze even though his own softens ever so slightly around the edges.

The darkest parts inside of him are something he never talks about with anyone. The only knowledgeable ones of it are himself and the symbiote in his left hand. And now the Shadow, and now... perhaps Cedrik who has seen a small piece of memory of his childhood when he was locked away in a laboratory as an experiment. It may not be long when he runs out of opportunities to not talk about himself because of the force of this place.]

I have been alive for a long time, [he starts with in his quiet voice. The age alone could potentially wither her. The heaviness of it.] And I am very dangerous.

[Sakura won't ever understand truly unless she experiences it, but he's wary. It's because he is kind, and decent, and cares about others that he is worried for her willingness to do something so intimate.]

You know I'm not human. If you are connected to me, you will be connected to both parts. It may not be much different than if I had bitten you. That's how the Kiss of the Nobility works. The bitten become harmonized with the siring vampire. You share thoughts, emotions, sometimes memories. You heed each other's call.

[He is quiet again for a long moment, as if reluctant.]

Being connected to me means you will also be a monster, too.

（ okay, so he's being a dumbass and that will be addressed in a moment (possibly with some stern words) but the more pressing thing she wants to know is — ）

Are you asking me?

[HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE ??! (but gently) FOR A SECOND.]

...Not necessarily. I assumed you had been asking me. [But also:] I was explaining why it was not a good idea.

（ classic anime misunderstanding^TM.

the truth is, she's done her best not to think about it. keep busy, keep isolated, shift her focus to the people around her so she doesn't have to think about how achingly lonely she feels. it's a familiar holding pattern for her. if she can only do enough...

her fingers twitch, curving in against her palm, pressing little half-moon indents of her blunted nails until they leave silver marks like old scars. ）

I was speaking generally — but I'm not averse, for the record.

（ why does saying that feel so much like giving up? the logician in her recognizes that there are benefits to it that can't be ignored, especially after what she's heard from some of the others. sasuke has made his position plain, and she doesn't want to hurt naruto by offering such a thing to him. it would be so terribly cruel, after all the ways she's misused his feelings over the years...

of all the people she's met here, she's the most comfortable with d. he makes her feel respected, listened to. he even likes being around her, maybe, and it's a little sad how much credence that lends, how hungry she is for someone to just do more than tolerate her company. she enjoys being around him in a way that's simple and clear-cut, lacking the complicated tethers of her youth.

and...

there's nothing inherently or necessarily romantic about the bond. it can be purely about mutual benefit.

maybe sasuke would notice her then. ）

But — besides that. Having a part of yourself that's awful, that's monstrous, that doesn't define you. All the most monstrous people I've ever met have been human, or near enough. People who have tortured others, murdered just for fun, who are content to send children to their deaths in wars because that's how it's always been. I don't care what other people think of you, what you think of yourself, or what it's like living with these vampiric urges of yours. I've killed people because it was an assigned mission bartered by a government in service to the highest bidder. How is that any less monstrous than an urge to kill to survive?

（ she says that with a little lift of her chin, half-daring him to argue her point. she's relying on what she knows of vampires from augustine a little — aware her picture may not be complete, but hoping it's enough to clearly delineate her stance on the matter. ）

I am not afraid of you. I've fought madmen and gods and people who have toppled empires. If you treat me one more time like I need to have the concept of what's monstrous explained to me like I'm a child, I'm going to punch you so hard you'll wake up in the wasteland. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

Edited (redundancy noticed a half-second too late... as i roll into bed lmao) 2022-11-09 04:44 (UTC)

[The only thing he can do is simply sit there and listen, not that he wouldn't have listened already. She really drags him through the ringer, but she doesn't tell him anything he hasn't been told before.

Plenty of people try to convince him they are perfectly fine being close to him. Actually, people have done that here more than any other people he's ever met.

His eyes watch her face as she speaks; his expression isn't offended, or angry. What she's saying, the explanation, the threats and all, he accepts with the same dignity he'd give her or anyone else. Whatever she's been through, he doesn't judge it, and he doesn't try to pry unnecessarily.]

Yes.

[To answer her question, first of all. He... really isn't afraid of her, or her strength. He doesn't think she's weak by any means. But he isn't afraid of any fight; there is a quiet confidence in himself he doesn't brag about.]

I know you understand it isn't a decision to be made rashly. [Her network question was evidence enough.] I never intended to make any kind of contractual partnership with a human. In theory, I believed it would be dangerous for their psyche. I think... there are better people here suited to help you still. However.

If you realize later you are struggling and have no one else, I will consider it if you're consenting.

["I'm not averse, for the record."]

（ well, that's a kick to her self-esteem. if you have no one else. her gaze cuts away, and her jaw sets. she's better at concealing her emotions than she used to be, but every once in a while the vulnerability cuts through the plate steel she's built up around herself. there's a part of her that's always felt as if she's difficult to care for, be around, exacerbated probably too much to be rationally explained away by sasuke's leaving — she's tried to shape herself into someone pleasant and pleasing and easy to get along with, but.

at the end of the day, she's still alone, isn't she? ）

You could make it seem a little less like a prison sentence, you know.

（ it's a tired, self-deprecating jibe, said as she puts the lid carefully back on that food. she's suddenly not hungry at all. instead, she just launches right back into work. ）

What are the ingredients you need for your pills?

[Again, he studies her face for some time. She really immediately gets back to work, doesn't she? It feels like... she is covering up the scars, the vulnerabilities. Mostly because it's how he typically does it when needling questions are posed to him by nosy humans.

But he doubles-back for a moment.]

It is, [he admits.] It would be. I won't lie to you. I think... you are too beautiful as a human to add any more onto yourself after what you may have been through. You don't have to wear those things like badges to prove you can shoulder more things that are terrible. If you don't mind me saying.

But I think you're strong enough to do it regardless.

[He is unfortunately very blunt.]

I need the data for a viable plasma replica, a laboratory to work with, something like saline, glucose, and the dried lipids. It isn't for nutrients. It's only to satisfy an urge.

（ she stares at him a moment in clear and apparent shock quickly subsumed by the seismic stir of vivid anger. her the pen is set aside, and she drums her fingers once on the pad of paper. with all the fury of a storm deferred, captured like lightning in a bottle: ）

I do mind, actually.

（ his words are pretty poetry, but it just reminds her of the dance they shared, the way his steps had felt like they boxed her in. couching his words in comments on her beauty, as if it's in any way responsible for her strength. whether it was meant like that or not, it's the meaning it would have held in her world, and it's the one she plucks out of the contextual mire between them.

she can feel the press of her shadow against her hard-won restraint, like flame licking at her skin. she shouldn't be angry. he's trying to be kind. understanding. but her shadow murmurs, wɑƞƞɑ sɦσw ɦiɱ wɦɑt 'stɾσƞg eƞσugɦ' ɾeɑllʮ ɱeɑƞs? she can almost feel the curl of a phantom hand at her shoulder, the acrimonious gust of breath at her ear. her chakra feels wintrous, veins scored with ice.

later, she'll be appalled at how strongly she wanted to hurt him.

(breathe, haruno.) ）

I can get us access to a laboratory. How long will it take?

[He sits there as impassively as always, simply gazing at her without being afraid to meet her eyes, not knowing how close he has come to being punched back to the Shadowlands.

He would correct the misunderstanding if he knew, to preserve his strange, knightly sort of code. At his core, he is only very compassionate about humans retaining what makes them beautiful: being human. Living with their convictions, having the opportunity to be normal, to have love and families, and even to die. She isn’t much different than human Hunters on the Frontier. They have the choice to not live that life, he thinks, not like him.

His words could have been miles better, of course. All he can say is,]

I’m sorry.

[But people already have hated him for a long time for what he is, and he has no qualms with being straightforward.]

I don’t know. It depends on what we have at our disposal.

Mm.

（ if he'd done anything other than apologize, she might have exploded. she's left feeling a little like she's stepped off over an invisible cliff, that jarring sensation of having no solid ground beneath your foot when you expected to find strong purchase. as it is, his lack of an open challenge has left her with all this pent-up anger and nowhere for it to go. she closes her eyes briefly, presses her fingers to her temples and then chases it back into the roiling dark. ）

These facilities are fairly state of the art. I don't know what you're accustomed to in your world, but they're about fifteen or twenty years more advanced than what we have in my world. Without knowing exactly what you r process is like, with the ingredients you've mentioned... the plasma will be the most difficult thing, the rest should follow easily. I could do it in three days.

（ it's a confident declaration, offset by her own cautious nature. it's not as if she can't do it, it's just a matter of when. ）

[Honestly, he thinks he has overstayed his welcome, and he almost just excuses himself. It isn’t as if they can’t continue this conversation another time while they are in Hale.

But it feels a little impolite. For now, he doesn’t get up yet.]

I can use what they have, or engineer it to work the way I need it to. You don’t have to worry. I can show you if you’re that interested, but this is something I’ve made for myself for a long time.

[Will she take this the wrong way too? He doesn’t want her to feel as if his comfort is resting on her shoulders alone.]

I appreciate your willingness to help.

（ d: will be polite even if it kills him.

she gives him a sideways glance, and then tucks her hair back over one ear where it's come loose from its slightly off-centered tail. now that the anger is burnt away to nothing, she just feels worn thin and tired, the slightly jittery soreness that follows coming down from a surge of adrenaline. ）

You don't have to keep saying that, you know?

（ the general sentiment, that effusive gratitude. ）

I want to help you.

[Yes...

He lowers his eyes beneath his lashes momentarily before looking up at her again. Like it's a bow of apology.] I know. [Very slowly, he pulls himself up into a stand. He situates the hat on top of his head again, but doesn't move away.]

I'll be in Hale whenever you're ready. You don't have to rush to leave your clinic. I'm not in a hurry to make them. I'd like to take my time.

[The need is pressing, but the execution doesn't have to be speedran.]

It's nice, by the way. Your clinic.

（ you, sir, are goddamn infuriating. sakura blows out a breath, but joins him in standing, not quite sure what to do with her hands.

infuriating, yes, but there's something about his kindness that threatens to drown her in the ocean of it all. kindness isn't inherent. it's learned, and often through great hardship — it takes work, to exist, to live, and be kind when the world (every world, she thinks, not just her own) is at its core an uncaring place, chaos wrapped in cruelty. it's up to people to make it better. sometimes they do, and sometimes they fail.

she looks at him a long moment, and then reaches up to straighten his hat just a touch. ）

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. But I want you to know, your company would never be a hardship. （ then, aiming for a bit of levity — ） Even if sometimes I really want to throw you in the bay.

[He accepts the look with silence, not thinking too much of it (aside from her being Done with him), and he's surprised a little when she bothers to adjust the hat. Will he habitually pull it down over his eyes more later as he leaves and ruin it? Probably.

Really ought to throw him in the bay.]

It would be an injustice to you when you have to fish me out afterward.

[A... joke.......????

His expression doesn't change and neither does the inflection of his voice. So who is to say... He turns and ducks low to be able to pass through the doorway without taking himself out at the head. But he waits politely on the other side...? To be lead out.]

d | a november catchall

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