logs | —i play the heroine, i play to their sympathies.

[ This came out of nowhere and prompts a look of confusion mixed with disapproval. Has he done anything to deserve this reaction? His general vibe during this festival has neither been rancid nor hostile. No. Cesare—her alleged brother—is the focus of this interaction. In the shifts of her behavior can he imagine what her family life might be. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth, but he's in no place to criticize, not when she doesn't see him or hear his voice as he is.

As she ramps up the familiarity, it gets on his nerves, but the desire for touch continues to dull the edge. He stays where he is, digging his heels in, like this is a stand against perilous waves. A sigh escapes between his lips as he continues to look down at her with his usual expression. ]

... Roleplay isn't one of my interests. [ If this is what it is, but he's getting the picture that Rudbeckia isn't in her right mind. ] I'm Yoo Joonghyuk, not Cesare.

[ No one else. ]

[ despite the persistent sound of Cesare's voice in Rudbeckia's ear, those words can't be misinterpreted. it's enough to disrupt her nightmare. staring at him, her brow furrows with confusion—and then the gaze meeting hers isn't a deep ocean blue, but a cool ashen brown. some clarity returns to her eyes at last, expression slackened by the shock: now she recoils, yanks her hand off of him and goes to shrink back with a high, nervous laugh. ]

S-Signor Joonghyuk?

[ what is wrong with her luck? of all the people to behave like this in front of, it just had to be the most dangerous and the most useful one, someone she wanted very badly to maintain her image in front of. on the other hand—maybe he won't care? if she just apologises for touching him, then surely he can let anything else slide. ]

I... I'm really sorry! You just look a little bit like my eldest brother, and for some reason I— [ started clinging to him like an annoying kid! where's a hole to crawl into when she needs one, he's going to kill her for sure!!! ] I didn't think I'd had that much to drink...

[ sure enough, she checks her glass and it's barely half-emptied, just as she remembers. so what the fuck!! ]

[ Relief washes over him when this awkward moment has come to pass. He was about to just ditch because he doesn't think he should be responsible for someone else's embarrassment. The air he gives off is annoyed, mildly inconvenienced. ]

You should have been careful. Some of these are enchanted with curses for entertainment, but they could be easily be worse.

[ Which is why Joonghyuk refuses to partake in any sampling of the treats, though it doesn't explain the filled glass in his other hand. The difference is that it's suspiciously full... And he hasn't made any point to verbally note the touching. It appears that he's ignoring that it happened. ]

Is your brother dead?

Ah... I-I see.

[ there is a pause while she levels a pointed stare at the drink in his hand... but she doesn't comment on it, and tips her remaining whiskey out into a plant without a word. it's typical: the one time she decides to do something just because she wants to—just because she had the passing thought that she's dead, so fuck it, why not have a drink?—it turns out to be cursed or poisoned or something. serves her right for letting her guard down, she supposes.

that handsome face of his is impossible to read as ever, but she's surprised: Joonghyuk didn't shove her away and hasn't stormed off even now. so there's still a sliver of hope that this lifeline of hers hasn't snapped just yet. she needs to work hard to maintain it. Ruby makes a show of shucking her embarrassment—shakes her head with such vigour that her golden curls are flung about, slaps both of her hands to her cheeks, and then smiles at Joonghyuk with the full wattage of her brightest smile. ]

No, Cesare is still alive! That's why I was so surprised, you know? [ without a pause, she barrels on, chattering innocently: ] Hey, do you want to go somewhere else, signore? It's a little crowded. I heard there's a place for stargazing, and I'm sure it's quieter there!

You should consider killing him when you return.

[ It is the only reason why he asked at all. Blood ties mean nothing when they are in your way—when they are barely family to you at all, so he says this easily like Cesare is but a roach infesting a space. His expression stays as is despite the violent and possibly blasphemous suggestion, though there's a tint of weariness. Royals kill each other and their family for the throne all the time, don't they? He had his experience as one before.

Ruby can put all her energy in creating an artificial beam at him, but he barely reacts. With care, he places the full glass onto a surface to be taken away, proper despite his demeanor. ]

Where?

[ UM. HOLD ON. getting the fuck out of here is put on pause for a minute because what the fuck just came out of his mouth so casually??? ]

I'm not going to kill my brother?!

[ the reaction is genuine, even if she intends for it to be read as because I'm a good little sister who loves her brother rather than the truth, which is I don't have a fucking death wish. not everyone can be the protagonist like her former husband and just slaughter everyone in their way; there's a reason why Rudbeckia dies at the end of the novel. this is a line she hates to walk, though—she doesn't want to talk about Cesare, doesn't want to put the act on when he isn't even here, but she can't afford to be seen as some abused little girl, either.

Ruby knows that sympathy isn't sustainable. in the long run, victimhood is too high a risk for such low reward. and if she's going to roll over and show her belly to a predator, she has to be prepared to withstand the pain. those particular bruises aren't anything she wants touched. ]

Signor Joonghyuk, I think I've given you the wrong impression...!

[ Should totally just kill your brother? That's what he would do, obviously. Joonghyuk's eyebrows arch as she starts flailing again and scrambling to figure out what facet to present.

Since it seems that he has read the relationship here wrong, he doesn't say more and waits, expecting Rudbeckia to correct him... Not that he thinks it matters. If a dude should be dead, then he should be dead. Simple. ]

[ oh god she thought he would say something dismissive not that she would have to talk more. this is exactly what she didn't want. if she has to say anything like—that they get along well, or that he's a good brother, or that she loves him, then she'll really, seriously be sick. the scant amount of food she's eaten already sits heavy in her stomach. ]

I-If it seemed like I had a strange reaction, it's just because it was such a shock...

[ the impression she's gotten thus far is that Joonghyuk is someone who doesn't really care about other people's problems. everything in the world is probably so straightforward to him, right? he's strong enough to take the brute force approach. in that case, if she babbles like an idiot, shouldn't he lose interest? ]

I mean, my brother is the Cardinal Valentino! He's someone who should be the Pope someday, how could he be dead? Besides that, he's my brother... It was a scary thought and so I was trying really, really hard not to cry in public!

[ I mean... She can also not answer since he isn't outright demanding her to tell him. It seemed she was revving herself up to defend this brother and the state of their familial relationship. Joonghyuk watches her anyway and he can't say he's completely convinced. ]

Plenty of important men get assassinated because they're unpopular and impersonable.

[ This a fact and a funny one considering he does fit into this category, too. Assholes get their asses bitten, even more so when they're powerful. What he finds odd is that she's trying to disguise whatever this is... For what? The guy isn't even here.

Just talk shit. ]

[ gravely, holding up a finger as if to lecture Joonghyuk: ] He's very, very popular.

[ a fact that pains her deeply every time she remembers it. just because he has a handsome face, he has such a crowd of admirers even though his personality is so bad... well, she bets Joonghyuk can probably relate to that. aside from his popularity, he's probably had anyone who would dare to send assassins after him already assassinated. ]

And who would assassinate the Pope's son in the Vatican City?

[ He doesn't relate to that, actually, because he is unaware that his face gets him some perks. People still want to kill him, unfortunately.

This is an easy question to answer? ]

Those who want power. Those unhappy with the church. Extreme heretics. Those who simply hate him.

[ yeah well it would have been nice if any of those people had shown up while she was still alive— ]

Well! Cesare is really smart, so it won't happen. Let's go look at stars!

[ that topic of conversation is over apparently, and she turns on her heel to march off towards the corner of Mirth hosting the picnic-goers and star-gazers. belatedly, something else occurs to her: ] Signore, you said "when you return"? But... isn't this death?

[ She can do it, instead, is what he is saying!! Just stab the man!

He finds the reaction odd, but he's not so interested where he's offended that she'd end the conversation on him, so he lets it go and follows her to this corner of mirth. There's not even a glance to the stars when they get there. ]

You're going to accept death so easily?

[ of course she doesn't want to accept death. what is there that she wouldn't do to survive? but if there's a way out of here - if she has any other choice - then she wants to go anywhere else but home. even if she's fated to always live in hell, she doesn't want to have come this far just to go crawling back to the same hell again. I want to live, but I'd rather suffer here for eternity than go back there—

she can't say that. ]

I really don't want to die. I want to live, but... [ the smile she gives Joonghyuk is helpless, some bitter feeling furrowing her brow. ] What else can I do? I'm an ordinary person.

[ They really are different. His own world is hell, but he has reason to return... And as much as the Shadow that whispers that it would be better to end, to become nothing, and feel nothing, Joonghyuk resists.

Lifting his gaze, he looks at the lower hanging stars. ]

That doesn't mean that is all you can be.

[ in the moment that he isn't looking at her, his eyes on the stars over the horizon, her expression relaxes into a blank stare. Is he really expecting me to believe that?

appearances aren't everything, she knows that. it's not like she thinks she can judge Joonghyuk; while he seems blessed - handsome and strong and self-sure - anyone could say the same about her. the fact is that she has no idea what kind of life he's lived. but those are the words of someone already in a position to say them. platitudes spoken down to the bottom of the hole she'll never climb out of. even if he scraped his fingers bloody to reach the surface, it doesn't mean she can make it too.

Some people are just doomed from the start, you know. ]

[ a small side-step puts her closer to Joonghyuk, her guileless and adoring smile reaffixed. ]

You really are kind, Signor Joonghyuk. I'll take your words as encouragement to do my best. [ delicate fingers tug at his sleeve, careful not to touch him, unlike the way she was earlier. ] Here, isn't it better if we sit so we can see them all? It isn't good to strain your neck.

[ in fact sitting down sounds great right now, so she unclasps her cape to pull it off her shoulders and lays it out on the ground like a blanket. ]

I don't care to see them.

[ Just so she knows that she doesn't have to be so meticulous about the view, the angle, or the venue. If there weren't any in this strange sky with two moons, he'd prefer it. Also, it seems silly for him to sit on her cape with her? He's a grown adult man. And that is her cape. So he will weirdly stay standing, hovering over her.

Uh.

The fresh air... If this is even considered fresh, is nice? Joonghyuk enjoys it because he doesn't think this is awkward at all that she thinks to take a picnic seating while he stands. ]

Oh. Um.

[ ugh, she wants to yank on his arm right now and tell him to just sit down, but even if she did, she probably wouldn't be able to budge him. is he really going to stand there? who cares if he doesn't want to look at the stars, he can just sit like a normal person if he's going to stay!! this insufferable bastard who looks too much like her brother and acts too much like her former husband—what, are there only three types of men in the world or something?

her smile turns a little nervous, seeming fretful over the fact that she brought him here to stargaze and he just told her that he doesn't care to look at them. ]

You... don't like the stars?

I hate them.

[ Which isn't something she could have predicted... He could have prefaced it, maybe even reject her offer, but he wanted to get away from the festivities. This really is awkward for her with him standing, full of disdain for her choice of activity.

Why can't men be normal? Why can't men be normal?! ]

[ What's your problem? Why are you like this??? How am I supposed to respond to that?! ]

O-Oh... I'm sorry...

[ it's unclear what she's apologising for — sorry to hear that he hates the stars for some bizarre reason? sorry for bringing him here, even if she had no way of knowing? she doesn't actually care, anyway. it's just instinctive to apologise first if he's displeased. sitting there at his feet, she hangs her head, sheepish. ]

Should we... do something else?

[ SHE ASKED???? ]

Why are you apologizing?

[ Of course he's going to ask that because he's reasonable enough to know she had done nothing wrong. It's not something she can anticipate and, in the end, he chose to go with her. While he's inclined to blame others quickly, he doesn't do it blindly. ]

This is fine. I wanted fresh air.

[ SHE THINKS HE COULD HAVE TRIED TO GIVE A NORMAL ANSWER!! ]

Ah, because... it was my idea to come here, but you don't like the stars... It's important to apologise when I've done wrong! I don't want you to be angry with me.

[ it feels like they've had a similar conversation a few times, now. he doesn't understand, it seems, and she can't explain it to him: that it's simply the safest thing to do. that she's learnt the hard way people don't actually care whether something is her fault or not; all that matters is that she's sorry. ]

As long as you really don't mind, though... That's a relief.

[ Joonghyuk really cannot fathom dropping so low in life to do this in order to be safe, but that's him... Full of disdain and resistance. There's nothing to fear here—at least with him, he thinks. He isn't going to kill someone over something small.

(Except he would. Who is he kidding?) ]

I don't mind. If I did, I would have left earlier.

[ It's reassurance. ]

[ as far as Rudbeckia is concerned, the only good thing about someone like Yoo Joonghyuk is that when he says that, she doesn't have to worry about any traps or hidden meaning. there's no way he would ever lie to spare her feelings, or even to be polite. wouldn't it be nice if she could rely on that kind of bluntness all the time? if she never had to worry about anyone's true intentions, or the suddenness of violence. ]

... Okay!

[ like a switch has been flipped, her tension disappears — (she swallows it down, feels it sitting in her stomach, a dozen sharp stabbing pins) — and she falls back with a child's carelessness to lie splayed out on the ground, giggling. ]

It is nice out here! Though, I don't know if the effects of that drink have worn off yet... [ she stretches out a hand above her, reaching towards the night sky. ] I know that there are stars above me, but every now and then, it's like I'm looking at the ceiling of the Sistine.

—i play the heroine, i play to their sympathies.

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